Given the Dream

enough

2012-02-12T17:23:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling like shouting:

"I CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

all day.

I have been finding that there are days every now and then that I feel such an overwhelming sense of how unaccomplished, how guilty, how vain, how selfish, how insufficient, how unknowledgable, how lazy, how inadequate a person I am, that I am tempted to give it all up and leave.

For where, I don't know. But I do know that I long for heaven and it's apparant worry-free life more on those days.

Why has God given me so much to do!?! Has He actually given me all this? Have I mistakenly taken on too much? Is my mind and soul just incapable of holding all of this together?

Is that even a correct way to think about this?

I even recently talked about how I'm letting things go so I can focus on the important things. Well, maybe I've let go of some, but I still feel like I'm doing a pretty poor job of what I'm still in charge of here. It seems, at least in my eyes, that everywhere I look, I am not enough.

Really, everyone has lots to do, lots to be. How do we do it well? I need to:

- be a mother to Isaac.
- be a mother to Jeremiah.
- be a wife to Jon.
- keep a home running.
- teach 300 kids a week how to "do" music.
- sleep, eat, and generally keep myself healthy.
- be in relationship with friends
- be in relationship with family
- be in relationship with God.

I find that there is just not enough of me to go around. I am doing such a poor job of so many of these things...and I am finding that I am not the sort to cling tighter to what control I have, but to miserably admit failure and wallow in it.

Ugh...not a pretty sight to behold. And, not surprisingly, makes all the above listed things worse.

So, I've been thinking all these things, praying through my strained emotions to God, trying to release the guilt, when I read this:

“Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;
because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;
because Jesus was someone, I am free to be no one;
because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;
because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail.” -Tullian Tchividjian

Thank you, Jesus.

I especially like the line about being free to be no one. I fight feeling like I need to be noticed, and extraordinary, and liked by all...but it is simply ok if I am nobody special at all to anyone in particular...because my approval is in Christ. He loved me and loves me enough to call me His own. Praise God.

And may I remember that all this striving is in vain unless done in Christ's power.

- My babies are not my own - they are His and He has given me the privilege and responsibility to raise them. He could take them at any time and they are His.

- My husband is one in flesh with me and yet I fight the communion so often. I desire acknowledgment for my efforts, my desires, me, my, mine. But there is no me. And it's good. Great actually, when I put aside my ego and realize who God created us to be for Him. So hard, so anti-cultural...but good when realized rightly.

- this house. oy, this house. How to make a house a home? It is the relationship inside that matters, not the dust. Not the clutter everywhere (and I do mean...everywhere). My security in Christ speaks volumes to my family. He will make the house a home if I allow Him in.

- Teaching is a joy and a curse sometimes. I love music but I hate having to be in a world where there is such striving for more more more knowledge, better techniques, more efficient analytical technology and training training training. I very much understand the reasoning behind the education to teach, but sometimes it overwhelmes my un-perfectionist spirit and crushes my desire to give music for fear of assumed failure in their eyes. But...

because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

even in my secular teaching job where I am not allowed to even tiptoe around His precious name for admins fearing parental scrutiny. I do not need to do the best, simply strive to do my best.

- I have been taking steps to regain my health and happiness from a bodily standpoint...it's amazing what you forget to do when children take over your brain. I never meant for it to happen, but you find yourself eating goldfish for lunch and not peeing for the entire day because the kids "need you every second". But, that's the guilt talking. So, I have been treating my basic health needs as equal to theirs...and it has been better. God has released me from the fear of being a bad mother because I need to take care of myself.

- my family, friends, my God. To be in relationship is one of the hardest things I do. I desire to retreat when I am feeling crummy, overwhelmed, or ashamed. I want alone time when I've been tugged at, talked at, and brain picked all day. I don't want to ask how people are. I don't want to invest in relationship with loved ones...and yet God has placed in my life such extraordinary gifts of family and friends who know me so well, and are trying to get to know me better, despite my introverted tendencies. It's ok if I disappoint them. I fear I do all too often with my snubs of their offered time and apathy in inviting them into my time. God has accepted me anyway, and I should trust that these beloved people will too. And just trust that being "myself" - whatever that is - with all its spacy, awkward, unclean, ratty nature -

is enough. Because Jesus is.

Mercedes

2012-02-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

Very exciting!!

You can see the website with all the info about the Carmen production I am in here.

Resolutions: Jan update

2012-02-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

January was a good month for me. Not only was I less busy than I normally am, I feel somewhat accomplished in my resolutions. Here's the update on how I'm doing (as in, maybe I'll actually stick to them if I write about it and feel ashamed in my failures while others reading about it. Or maybe not...I don't tend to care about what other people think about the "little" things in my life...although some of my resolutions have to do with big things...anyway, on to accountability!)

1. learn to garden

Yes...so it's still winter here, although the weather today would have convinced anyone it was the beginning of spring (50s!?!), so no gardening yet. But...I have picked out 3 books about gardening from the lady of the house's collection and am slowly but surely learning all about soil acidity vs. alkinity (not sure that's the real word, but too lazy to look it up right now), why hydrangeas turn blue vs. pink, and how to not rot out your roots in the wintertime. Amongst other fun tidbits that will hopefully help me grow something.

2. begin exercising again

This is exciting...we joined a local gym yesterday. That's right, january 31. Which, of course means that we haven't gone yet, but I'm excited to figure out how that's going to happen and just start. I'm planning on at least 2x a week at first, then maybe up to 3. I think more than that is unrealistic with the kids.

3. bake bread at least 2 times a month

So, I did bake bread once this month, and it didn't rise. But it tasted really good. Yes, we eat everything around here, even if it doesn't turn out. And, I'm counting the fact that I made my husband's family recipe of whoopie pies as well, because it was really messy and time-consuming and made lots of whoopie pies. Or, would have made lots of them, except I made them really large since I didn't have instruction of how big to bake the pie part...so they ended up as large as the span of an adult hand. So, I think that technically counts as two times a month of baking bread. (ok, maybe not, but at least I got flour-y and messy)

4. Create a sitting area in my room where I can sit and read.

has not happened yet. Tried to bring a nice chair upstairs to our room...it does not fit up the stairs. Without a chair, I feel unmotivated to work on the rest of the area.

5. Get up before family to do said Bible reading and prayer.

Still not happening. Very sad.

6. Not eat fast food.

This is the most shameful to admit?! I ate 3 munchkins that my friend had brought over and then left even though she knew I was trying to not eat fast food. And I ate a #5 crispy from McD's. With a sweet tea. Boom. Well, there's always february to try again.

performance teaching, or teaching teaching?

2012-01-29T12:11:00.000-08:00

I have some friends who are not teachers, but are performers. This is great, I love performing...it's interesting to hear their perspective on music as all they (usually) need to think about it how to create the music to the best of their ability. Often, I am (sometimes unfortunately) too caught up in the 'how-do-I-teach-someone-else-to-create-this-music-to-the-best-of-their-ability' mode to focus on using my performance to the best of my ability. Now, many of them teach as well, but it truly is more of a side job for them, as they are trying to make performance the main deal in their lives. I say, more power to 'em, as long as their lives allow that.

Anyway, let's get to my point. Or story. or whatever this post is about. I somehow convinced one of my performer friends to take my spring musical music director job for this year, and I am thrilled because I know he has so much experience behind the stage and on the stage and will do a fabulous job and live up to my high standards I set for myself and my teaching abilities. We had an interesting conversation the other day:

me: so, how has it been working with the kids? We have some good singers from year to year...

he: yeah, it's fun. I haven't worked with high schoolers in a while, so it's been a bit of a learning curve. But I like it. It's been a bit hard just getting them to sing!

me: yeah, every year they do really well in auditions and then come in for rehearsals and I have to be so over the top to get them to make any noise of worthwhile value. And it's hard to figure out the belting...this year, pretty much every girl that "knew" how to sing was full out belting. Normally we have a few, but this year it was running rampant!

he: oh, I am fully encouraging them to belt. There is no possible way to do this show without it, so they have my complete blessing.

Well, the teacher is me was quite taken back. 'What?!' I thought. (thankfully, I didn't say it out loud) 'How can you be telling kids to sing the wroing way?!?'

Then, I realized that he is a performer that is teaching. His focus is to express what's on the page. As a performer teaching Broadway, he is focusing on Broadway sound, which, in this particular show, is a whole lot of belting.

As a teacher, I am concerned about making sure kids can learn to sing correctly so they will be able to sing well for decades to come. I realized I tend to sacrifice a bit of that powerhouse sound when I've done this job in the past because I am concerned about correct technique and teaching that well, as well as teaching the music.

I'm truly not meaning to offend or condemn, just putting thoughts to laptop. Any other thoughts out there?

cutting back

2012-01-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

A while back, I decided to cut back.

I decided to cut back because I was feeling like panic attacks were eerliy close to happening.

Now, I don't actually know what a panic attack feels like, but I feel like, once you are close to one, you know.

You know?

Anyway, things were just too much here. As in, in my life.

So, I thought, 'hey, let's cut back. I work too much. I mother too little. I stress WAY too much. I worry WAY too much.'

I figured out that some people need me. And a lot of people want me to do things, but that pales in comparison to the family who needs me here.

And I think I need to do only the things that only I can do. Like, only I can be the mother to my children. Only I can be the wife to my husband. There are a few other things that I am still doing that I suppose other people could do, like my job...but I am holding on to that. But I have cut back on other things.

For example:

- recently, I decided to not do the high school musical director job that I normally do every year. Wow, that was a relief to find someone to do that job. I felt so guilty letting them know I wasn't going to do it this year, but I think it was the best decision. Isaac and Jeremiah would not get to see me any afternoons during the week for about 2-3 months if I had decided to go ahead with that job. And I would have been big time grumpy and tired and even less rested than I usually feel. In general, not good. And while the money is nice, happiness at home is so much more valuable at this point.

- also, I was recently asked to sing at an upcoming concert in March with G__________ W________Opera...and I turned it down. I think this may be the first singing gig that I have been asked to do that I have willingly turned down. Again, because of my family. I already have a school concert that week, and this gig would have been at least one dress rehearsal and it's located about 1 hour away...would have been one big stress ball. No thank you. But thanks for asking, I'm flattered! :)

- also, I've stopped cleaning my house. I know, you're thinking, what?! how does that help anything? well, let me tell you, without cleaning, you would not believe the amount of time I have to do...nothing. How sweet it is to do nothing. At least until little Isaac starts crawling with more passion. He's sorta dilly dallying in it right now, and then fusses like a baby because...well, he is one. And then I feel bad and pick him up because he's so darn tootin' cute. So, yeah, I guess at least vaccuuming will have to happen at that point...unless I can convince Jon to do it. He's usually helpful when I ask. That's the plan then. Then I can continue to use my time wisely by not cleaning.

Alright, enough of this silly post. Goodnight and good luck to you all. :)

devotion...or lack of.

2012-01-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

Yet again, I am humbled. I have known for a long time that I need to stop and set a time for my Lord. A daily time. No, not a devotional time...I think that term has become a little cliche in our Christian culture. But a time for true soul feeding. I read somewhere that prayer is more important than food because the soul is more important than the body? If that's true...and I believe it is...than I am starving and on death's door. How did I get this way? When did my thirst for my God become a nice thought instead of desperation? When I let myself remember who I am, who I am created to be, who I am created to be in His image...

I am floored that I am so content to go about my day without communion with Him. There are many little moments, when I feel overwhelmed or just...like a shadow of who I am, when I hear the whisper of "lay down your burden and let Me give you rest."

"Oh, Lord. I'm so sorry. But, it's just, you know, the baby is actually asleep and I really would like to mop the floor at least once this month."

I feel the tide turn in my innermost, and understand my depravity, and crave the grace.

"Lord Jesus, I am not ready to come to You. I am too far gone...I don't know how to pray anymore."

He tells me through friends unwitting comments, through coworkers tired and hopeless workings, through my babies intense needs and innocent wants, that I am His and He is enough, and that has to be enough.

Because me, with all my trying and working and hustling and worrying and crying and sweeping and dusting and talking and cooking and doing...will never be enough to bring me like Mary to the feet of my Savior. All that doing will satisfy for a moment, but is ultimately not the soul-drenching goodness that I need to be alive in Christ.

I need that sitting area in my room more than ever. I have been thinking and trying...and things are not working out. My youngest is teething and sick and waking many many times a night, making every morning an extra effort. The beautiful chair I had hoped to bring upstairs for my sitting area doesn't fit up the extremely narrow stairwell. Roadblocks...I need to not let it stop this resolution, because so much more is at stake than failing. It is my withered relationship with God that is in great need of nourishment.

"Lord, forgive my apathy. Forgive my excuses in my post-baby stupor. I love You and your word...I ask for grace that You would give me desire and ability to make this habit of sitting at Your feet daily a reality."

New Year's Resolutions

2012-01-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

(in random order of importance)

1. learn to garden (so I can have a small vegetable garden in the spring/summer of 2012 - I'm thinking tomatoes, green beans, lettuce, and squash/zucchini...maybe just tomatoes as I've never grown anything in my life and I've heard they are easy.)

2. begin exercising again (join a gym! our new health plan will pay for this! yippee!)

3. bake bread at least 2 times a month (I have an irrational fear of getting flour everywhere...I wish it was an irrational fear of something else, like the bread not rising or something, but...alas. I am that repulsed by that kind of a mess. So, this will be a really challenging goal.)

4. Create a sitting area in my room where I can sit and read. Mostly for Bible reading and prayer in the morning, as I have been hard-pressed to find any sort of regular time during my day to do this with these ~~darn~~ lovely children around. I'm gussing it will have to be morning. Which brings me to a related resolution...

5. Get up before family to do said Bible reading and prayer. I believe this is so important that I should forgo the precious half hour longer of sleep that I truly believe I need at that hour in the morning, and I would like to attempt a habit making practice of it.

6. Not eat fast food. (coffee does not count. Just sayin'.)

I think these are do-able. And realistic. There are no huge details to these goals, except for the 2x/week bread making thing. And all these will be helping to make life a little bit better. Here's to 2012!

How to Talk so Kids Can Learn

2011-12-30T18:14:00.000-08:00

Just read an amazing book, which is actually a sequel to another, I'm assuming, equally amazing book:

This book has potential to change how my classroom functions. I feel like I already do some of the things these two ladies talk about, such as:

- acknowldeging the child's feelings with a word or sound, i.e. "I see" or "mmm-hm."

- criticizing without wounding, praising without demeaning (or, describe what you observed instead of judging it, and allow the individual to evaulate.)

But there are many things that were, let's say, "common-sensical", and easy to apply, that I have never thought of. And I love these ideas! It is all about acknowledging the child as a person equal in dignity to teachers/parents/adults, even if they are not equal in experience or knowledge.

Now...some of you might be like I am, more of a "children need to know their place, this society gives children an inflated sense of worth" kind of deal (wow, that sounds sort of harsh when I write it out...I hope you know from this blog how much I treasure my children...) But, as parents and even as community, we have a responsibility to our children to raise them with a sense of respect, a sense of how to treat people, and a sense of humanity in relating to their fellow creatures. Where do they learn that from? From how the people they look up to treat them. For the most part, our previous generation talked to us in orders and requests for such-and-such activity, not giving much importance to our feelings in the matter. Whether said feelings hindered or encouraged our part in said activity was no concern to them, so long as they could force us to get things done.

Fast forward to our generation now teaching the new generation of children, and we inately fall back on the techniques when things aren't going well - sarcasm, belittlement, dismissing the child's feelings, threatening, prophecying (you'll never become a hard worker by...(fill in the blank)). This book suggests giving credence to the child's feelings, you open up communication and create relationship with the child to allow for better and fuller instruction.

In essence, what I gleaned from the book is: Love one another.

Yep...create relationship with the children you teach, the children you mother/father, any children you have some sort of influence on. You need to do more than teach them, order them around, show them the way. The way to help them grow best is by showing them how to be the best person they can be, and this is accomplished through acceptance of their innermost selves as valid. Give them their dignity. Allow them to question, complain, laugh, discover. Allow them to show us what they actually think and what they are actually struggling with that fogs their minds and hinders their focus on school or whatever the task at hand is. Just as adults have a hard time leaving our troubles at the door, children have an even harder time, as they don't have years of experience behind them of this learned behavior.

If you are a parent or teacher or someone who deals with children regularly, I highly recommend reading this book. It's prequel "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk" was a bestseller, and is one that I am going to read very soon. I found "How to Talk so Kids Will Learn" refreshing and an easy read, as well as a good reminder of how to treat even "the least of these."

All is merry and bright

2011-12-27T20:23:00.000-08:00

Merry (late) Christmas to you all!

Happy (early) New Year to you all!

We have had a good vacation so far as our little family...getting to spend Christmas with Jon's mom and gram, who brought their 10 year old chocolate lab, Dakota, to spend some time with us as well.

This dog...I remember this dog from before Jon and I were dating and he was a chubby rambunctious puppy...I remember this dog as bullheaded and lovable and pushy about getting into Jon's/anyone's lap even when he weighed close to 90 pounds. I remember this dog as being difficult to control. And now - now he is old and has arthritis in his hips and loves on my babies and is still hairy and stinky and farts in our living room way more often than I think should ever happen...but I don't mind having him around. As long as he behaves himself. :)

Dakota, you smelly mutt.
Why must I smell what's in your butt?
It's a malodorous form of what went in your gut.
I must say that you should cut.
it.
out.

Anyway. Ode to Dakota over.

The kids did remarkably well with Christmas and all it's gluttonous presentry. I was a little (ok, a lot) nervous for Jeremiah, as he gets overwhelmed easy and has actually been on the brink of nervous little panic attacks for a week now, chewing on his shirts and jumping uncontrollably when we're talking to him.

aside: I think the way our culture builds up the excitement at Christmastime can create such crazed, foaming-at-the-mouth for Santa little creatures that it becomes too much for them. More than once at my school did I have students break down in tears over a misplaced pencil/careless word from a friend/you name the inane thing here. My 2nd grade piano student was so overtired during her lesson, she could barely function. It was 4:00 in the afternoon. Jeremiah has had bags under his eyes for weeks.

But, he did very well with all the new items, and seemed to take it all in well. Isaac still took his naps and ate on schedule. We had cinnamon buns from a can for breakfast and roasted pork loin from scratch for lunch. We traveled to my Nana's for more merrymaking, and then went home and I got to watch 3 episodes of Parenthood.

And I cried. About 3 times that day. Only twice during Parenthood episodes.

So, yes, that means that i cried once on Christmas this year. I could blame it on hormones. I could blame it on being overwhelmed. I could blame it on any number of things. But, I've decided to not blame tears on something, but instead accept them as a needed and healthy expression of my emotions.

I cry when I'm sad.
I cry when I'm happy.
I cry when I sing in church.
I cry when I'm angry.
I cry when I pray.
I even cry when i'm excited!

I cry so much, it's ridiculous. I fight being embarrased about it, but it's no use. It's how I operate. That particular day, I was crying for a couple things:

1. One of my first Christmases away from my family. (mom, dad, brother)
2. My first Christmas being "in charge" of everything...and I really didn't want to be. For me, that's no way to really relax.

I have written several times on this blog recently how life is so blessed, so good right now. And ironically, while feeling really blessed, I also feel incredibly inadequate and overwhelmed and unsure of how to handle it all. I have been slowly figuring out what I can take off my plate over the last month, and have succeeded in removing some big things, some small things. All will help with helping me do this job - the homemaking/family job - actually happen, and maybe even happen well. My kids are two very different ages, two very different stages, and need me. I am lucky to have an amazing, caring husband in Jon who is devoted to our family and takes an active part in raising the children and caring for them. But, I realized this month that there are still things that only I can be for Jeremiah. There are still things that only I can be for Isaac. And, there are still things that only I can be for Jon. And it is not fair to them to take those things away, or even lessen my energy towards those things because I am splitting myself between too many hats. Right now, being a wife to Jon, being a mom to Jeremiah, and a mom to Isaac takes up all my time, mostly because I not satisfied with those relationships being on the "to do" list...they need to be active and growing and beautiful representations of Christ and the church. It is not easy but it is good.

And exhausting.

And good.

The only other thing I cannot give up right now is my job. Which, I don't want to give up, really, so that works out. But, boy is it hard to do the teacher thing and the family thing right now. I feel for a while that I have not been doing either very well...simply doing them ok and getting by.

If you are a friend or family member, I humbly ask for your prayers. There is nothing wrong, but I am feeling unpeaceful and plagued by worry and exhaustion. With that comes the desire to despair and give up, even if just for a minute, or a day. I need grace. I need relationship with God more than ever. I know it's a little weird asking for prayer on such a public forum, but I know not many people read this, and I need all the prayer I can get right now!

Hear, O Lord, and answer, I am poor and needy.
Guard my life for I am devoted to you.

May this Holiday season find you all happy and rested. I am getting there, and love and miss you all.

p.s. - sorry for my awful poem about the dog. this is what happens! please pray for me! :)

2011-12-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

sometimes looking at my boys at night...

...when the little one wakes up with his pathetic little cry for mom's milk...

...when the older one stirs and makes noise in his bed and cries because he's gone into our room and we're not there yet...

...and I am amazed at my ability to forget the frustration of the mundane day-to-day work schedule...

...forget the helpless nature of "not-enough-time"...

...forget the hardness of the day...

...and see only my little ones, vulnerable and needy...

...growing so fast like the ever rising sun...

...and I pray the hopeless prayer that they will never leave me...

...that they will remain in this pure form forever...

...tiny feet, grasping hands, hugging arms, and innocent minds...

...and I hope to God that He gives me the ability to not screw it up.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude in the gifts of my children and husband. I could never be enough, and yet, am here purposefully in God's will at this moment with them. Thank God that He is enough. May I strive to remember only that. If I keep my eyes on Jesus, whom He graciously sent to us here on earth - only then will I be at peace.

thankful

2011-12-08T16:33:00.001-08:00

I realized the other day that I am able to make a living off of doing what I love.

Not everyone can say that.

I love music. More specifically, I love singing and lines in instrumentation that sing and how much expression the human voice can convey.

So much of what I do day-to-day in my "jobs" includes, even requires that talent/gift/ability. I am so thankful that I get to be a voice in God's kingdom. I know I am other things as well sometimes, like hands and feet, but that's not where I'm most comfortable. Where I can deliver grace and truth and love is in singing it out.

Music is the way I worship - has been since I was a teeny tiny little girl and staying up way too late singing all the praise songs I learned at children's choir that day until my mom came in with a gentle "that's enough, now it's time to sleep."

Music is the way I process. When I am in a mood - whether it be an excited mood, a mellow mood, frustrated, humbled, scared, or meloncholy...music can help me process what's going on and pull it out of me so I can move on. Just today, I was feeling a bit sad over some recent frustations in another job, and turned onto one of my favorite blogs to hear the music she has alongside her amazing writings. It immediately put my heart at ease remembering that God is in control. Not sure why, but it helped to release the tension I had been carrying around with me for a few days now. Usually, just hearing a few notes of a well-loved song will cause me to break down and remember to choose life and forget the high drama of whatever moment is upon me.

Music is my income. From teaching elementary school to teaching private voice and piano, I am able to make a living (and a pretty decent one at that) by helping others learn the joy of music-making. I get the comment from other teachers and parents all the time, "Oh, you're a music teacher! That must be so fun." And, trust me, it really is. But, I don't love all aspects of music. And I don't love all aspects of students. But, I love that I am teaching something I love (therefore it is conveyed to the children) and I love that I love teaching children. (this was not a discovery I made until after college). So, it makes any troubles, as they say, worth it.

(on a side note, one of the benefits of teaching elementary school is silly scenarios like this: I have a faux painting of the Mona Lisa holding an electric guitar by Karen Cannon in my room. A kindergartener recently looked at it, got all excited, then asked if that was me and could I teach him to play electric guitar. Ah, I love that I can be compared to the Mona Lisa in my job...ha!)

Music is my pasttime...well, sortof. I am in a choir...which, really, I don't like choir music, but I love singing, so this works. And, if you're gonna be in a choir, Lyricora is a pretty sweet deal...amazing musicians, great literature to sing, and fantastic comaraderie...love it. I also, as this blog chronicles, audition for various opera companies from time to time when I find that my life is becoming a bit calm in any way. (that's a lie...that never happens, I just can't stay away from auditioning. It keeps me on my toes and I love that I can occassionally do something that is just for me. Well, and the audience. You know what I mean.) I probably get to do anywhere from 2-5 different performance opportunities a year that are beyond my line of work. That's not much by performer standards, but plenty for a working momma like myself.

I also love playing piano selections, which can help my moodiness...this was something I did so often in high school...if I was frustrated, it was Chopin's Waltz in E Minor. If I was happy and reflective, it was my hymn arrangments passed on to me from our old church organist. If I was anxious, it was anything I could pound out to get the tenseness out of my body. Nowadays, I don't get to play as much as I would like to...or maybe I just don't remember it as a helpful thing to be doing. But, it makes my boys happy to hear me play, though Jeremiah often requests I sing too, so that makes it doubly hard. But I digress.

So, I am happy. I really didn't have many dreams for what my life would look like when I was older, (except I wanted to be on stage), but I think if I had had more domestic desires early on, this life would have been somewhat ideal. I hope that I can stay on top of my craft and stay sharp for a while to keep music the biggest way I make money and enjoy life. I am so thankful for this life God has given me. I never did an official Thanksgiving post, but everything I am and have is from Him. I could never praise or give thanks to Him enough. I am honored to be used by God through His gifts to me.

it's not every day...

2011-12-02T16:57:00.001-08:00

that you get a chance to see what kind of a difference you make to your students.

Today, which, oddly, was a day (was that too many commas? I think it might be) when I have been doubting my abilities as a competent music teacher for a whole variety of reasons, I receive this email to my public school account:

"Hi Mrs. ______,

Thank you very much for making music class so enjoyable. Francesca and Christopher both talk a lot about music and all of the fun and interesting things that you do. We often play the "beat" game at home. (I think that's what you call it.)

Francesca just this morning said how you are always smiling. And Christopher told me that you are the one adult adult at the school who he trusts to confide in, if something were to happen to him. (I hope that wasn't supposed to be confidential.) When my extremely perceptive, shy son feels that way about an adult, it tells me alot about the person.

Thank you for your kind interactions. Your style is very significant to my sensitive children.

Thank you,

S. W."

These kids are both super shy, it's pulling teeth to get them to smile sometimes. I am so glad that I can be a bright spot in their day and hopefully create memories of music being a freeing experience.

It's nice to get encouragement when you least expect it. :)

dream achieved!

2011-11-22T14:29:00.001-08:00

G________ W________ Opera has offered me a role!!!!!!!!!!!!

First time ever, since college, that I have an actual role. I can't say what it is yet because they haven't announced the cast list yet, but I'm excited!!

Yeah, so I think I might do it. This is a small-ish company that has a reasonable rehearsal schedule, and the performance dates just so happen to fit right in between my end of school stuff and master's degree stuff.

I'll let you know the name of the role once they let me. :)

short thoughts....and Carmen.

2011-11-17T16:37:00.001-08:00

A couple of days ago, I received an email from a singer-friend who I met a few years back at one of the summer concert series I participated in with the G______ W__________ Opera company. She asked me,

"Have you seen that we are putting on Carmen in the late spring? We would love to have you come audition, and have a few hidden slots available on Sunday. Let me know if I can count you in."

Here's what I thought (in sequential order):

"Um....what?"

"I think I just got a personal email asking me to audition for one of the ultimate mezzo roles."

"This is not practical."

"I don't have time for this."

"But I really love Carmen."

"But I've been told multiple times that I lack the chutz-pah for Carmen."

"Hmmm...and then there's my new voice teacher."

"She told me that Carmen doesn't really suit my voice either."

"Well, what would it hurt to audition?"

"I could at least have something to shoot for, and then not do it in the event they offer me anything of significance."

"They're probably just asking me to come out of politeness."

"That's absurd. No one would ask a singer to come unless they really wanted them to. There's too many singers out there to be nice."

"I live an hour away; this is stupid."

"Well, everything I would audition for is about an hour away."

"My kids need me. I have no time or energy to do something for myself at this point."

"Ok, if Jon can be with the kids, I'll do it. But I'm not saying I'll definitely do the show."

WIth that thought process, my mind was made up. (made up?...please tell me you all think in this roundabout fashion...that I'm not on my own here.........hello?)

We hashed out details, as I am unavailable Sunday.

So, I auditioned last night at 8:52.

Which was actually 9:05 because they were running late.

Which was nice, because...so was I.

Man, it was stressful driving all the way there -

- in the rain -

- while speeding profusely -

- and trying to warm up/talk myself out of this mess...(see above conversation)

Yeah, I was a bit of a psycho. But I got there, and feel I did decently well.

The audition coordinator told me that they did need more mezzos auditioning, but also contacted me because of my voice.

And then she said the accompanist they had scheduled for tonight had to cancel last minute and there was someone in there that "was not familiar with opera rep."

"Great."

I was singing two pieces, Carmen's Seguidilla and "Must the Winter Come So Soon?" from Barber's Vanessa. Neither is that easy to play, even if you know opera rep.

I went in, sang the Seguidilla fairly well, then mucked up the English (partly because of it being the newest piece in my rep, partly because the pianist had zero clue what was going on, so I had to flounder...)

They asked me to read two small scenes. One was of Carmen and Don Jose, right before the Seguidilla, the other was of Carmen and Escamillo. Both were her trying to be seductive, yet aloof.

That's totally me.

Not.

Do people say "not" anymore? I don't think so. I only do in my head.

And this blog.

Anyway...

I felt pretty good about the reading.

The audition coordinator told me she thought I rocked the reading.

That was nice...considering I had to try to be seductive and aloof, which, as we've already established, I'm awesome at.

I left feeling like maybe I was a better actress than a singer.

The nice thing is that the rehearsals don't start until April and the show isn't until June. And they are only 2 times a week, max.

Actually sounds do-able to me.

I could be dreaming...but it's nice to have dreams. And nice to have something of only my own to be working toward.

We'll see what comes of it. I'll keep you updated.

And don't tell me new voice teacher. Good thing you don't know who she is! :)

And now, for your viewing pleasure...a great video I found of Rinat Shaham singing Carmen. It gives the scene leading into the Seguidilla, as well as her famous song that seduces Don Jose.

Forgiveness

2011-11-07T08:47:00.001-08:00

I recently read this on a friend's blog where she was summarizing a sermon she had heard:

"Let's define forgiveness:
The decision to release a person from the obligation that resulted when they injured you.

When you hurt, shame, wound somebody, you've taken something from them - their comfort, dignity, etc. That creates a debt. Forgiveness is saying, "You don't owe me."

I have to admit...for me, the longer I've known someone, it is simulataneously easier and harder to forgive them than those I barely know at all. I know others who say it is WAY easier to forgive those they know, and very easy to judge and dislike and not forgive those they don't know. I guess I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt that they didn't really mean to say that/do that/make me feel that way. And, hopefully they didn't. I just know I can't live with being that angry all the time.

Which makes me wonder...why do I hold on to the little things that someone said to me or that thing they carelessly did or that way they made me feel...holding onto it for years and bringing it back up to myself when it's convenient and I'm frustrated anyway at them, and they just never treat me well and isn't that typical? It spirals and then I have to give it up again to God so I am not poisoned by the root of bitterness that has grown in my heart. Why do these little things stick with me? How can I learn to forgive those that I have known for so long - my mom, my dad, my brother, my husband, my friends? They have loved me so well, why would I want to remember the little things that shamed me, hurt my feelings, or offended me? Why is it so hard to let it go when they are the best people in my life?

Maybe the answer is because they are the best people in my life. I want their approval so badly, and I feel they should know me so well, that it is that much harder when we hurt each other, purposefully or unwittingly. They should know better....I should know them better than to be hurt. That makes it that much more important that I bring them and my relationship with them before my God so I can let the little things go and grow in grace and love alongside them.

"When you hurt, shame, wound somebody, you've taken something from them - their comfort, dignity, etc. That creates a debt. Forgiveness is saying, "You don't owe me."

Forgiveness is being the bigger person...releasing someone from oweing you something. This is NOT easy. God did not say it would be. He just said to do it. Americans live in a culture that tells us, "You deserve happiness/love/fairness/equality/etc." I say, says who? We sure don't deserve anything last time I checked. We are all the same miserable sinners but for the grace of a great God. Because of the great debt that God has forgiven me, I will choose to continually forgive the small debts others owe me. The demons of doubt, insecurity, fear, and resentment tend to bring these small offences up to me at opportune times, but it is never helpful and always destructive in my relationships where I choose to indulge their lies.

Forgiveness is not about them. It's about you.

2 year tune-up

2011-11-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

Today I had my first voice lesson in about 2 years.

It was great.

I walked into a building that I have passed countless times and took an elevator up to the 6th floor, where I waited, listening to a busty soprano singing some flouncy French song. Afterward, I heard them discuss her evening, which entailed family visiting from Colorado, and her visiting briefly, then "shutting up" so she could perform the next day. S. came out and greeted me warmly, ushered me into her studio, and began putting my mind at ease. She seemed like a normal, likeable human being with little trace of diva and large amounts of efficiency. I liked her immediately. Her office was filled with light from the outside - a welcome change from the dark corridor I had been sitting in. There were also some pictures of "old masters" who, I wonder if I looked closer, would be singers I knew. This woman has sung at the Met...I'm sure she knows many folks who I could only dream of meeting.

She talked a bit about breath, before we even got started, letting me know that she really nit-picks this aspect of singing, because it is the most important. I heartily agreed, letting her know that I know I need help in this department because of the recent pregnancies. We got to work with some onset, then vowel exercises.

Once she had me singing, she let me know that I was not singing with the full voice on the breath in my middle-low register. Hallelujah! Exactly what I had been wanting to hear! I mean, not great, but at least I have someone who can help me fix it. She told me to just let it out, and let it sit, fully-supported, where it was. (her words: Don't cover down there). Immediately, the sound escaped and felt so much better. We worked this for a while, and it just kept feeling better. The sound is different than I am used to, as is the sensation, but she said it now sounds like I am one person singing a song all the way through.

One revelation was that I have been simultaneously over-opening through my whole middle voice while not letting the natural chest voice in. Once I let the colors be there and didn't manipulate the placement of sound, it was so much easier to sing! She told me, for my voice, it is best to sing in a small, narrow space for every note on the staff, then slowly open as it gets higher than that. It is a bigger sound than I am used to, but much more natural than what I had been trying to do.

I'm probably not writing this out well, but physically, it made so much sense to me. I am very excited about this teacher, and will probably continue taking with her in the future. She was very complimentary, telling me I had a "lot of talent" and that my voice would "be able to do quite a few things" once the technique was solid. She told me that I was "not at all behind the eight ball" as I was afraid I was, since I have not really been able to consistently sing over the last 5 years. We have to work a lot of language and some technique, but she was pleased with what I was doing through the lesson.

I've never ever...

2011-10-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

in response to Pioneer Woman's list:

1. Broken a bone

2. Eaten pineapple upside down cake.

3. Painted my toenails purple.

4. Been swimming in the Pacific Ocean.

5. Toured London.

6. Watched "The Office"

7. Bungee jumped.

8. Given a name to a girl.

9. Been a maid or matron of honor.

10. Flown in a plane with fewer than 100 seats.

11. Taught middle school.

12. Read Crime and Punishment.

13. Gone skydiving. Or snowmobiling. Or skeetshooting.

14. Played a pants role in an opera.

15. Mowed a lawn.

16. Eaten a bug. At least on purpose. (while running or biking doesn't count, because unfortunately I've done my share of that...and it's just not pretty when it happens.)

17. Painted a landscape.

18. Been to Italy.

19. Sung a song in Russian.

20. Woven a rug. (but I plan to!)

21. drunk Cognac. (drank? drunken? drinken?...drinkalinken?)

22. Been the lead in a musical or opera. I am, I fear, a forever sidekick.

(but at least I am in a show soon! Yay!)

Let's talk about voice for once!

2011-10-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah...haven't posted about voice for a while because, um...I haven't been singing.

There's been the occassional solo for church, and of course, my choir, Lyricora...but nothing beyond that.

And what's worse, is I haven't been practicing either.

So, needless to say, I've been in a bit of vocal limbo...self-imposed for a few reasons:

1. I just had a BABY. Pregnancy was not fun for my voice, and I can't even begin to describe how tired I am by the time I have time to work on my personal music studies. So, it's gotten pushed to the side until I have "time".

I am beginning to realize that there may not ever be a convenient "time" for me to do it anymore. I simply have to start making it more of a priority.

2. My voice seems to be changing. What else is new, right? I feel like I just keep gertting lower and plummier as the years progress...which is kinda fun, because I still have high notes. It's just that I think I'm sounding more and more like a true mezzo now.

But this time around...this pregnancy - I am having an easier time singing in the bottom of my range, and it seems bigger down there too. I'm cautiously excited about this...cautious because I don't know what the heck I'm doing with it half the time, and I still want to make sure I'm singing well.

Which brings me to the biggest news of the moment - I have begun the search for a new voice teacher! Yes, I've talked about it long enough, and now I have 2 trial lessons set up with a few teachers to see if they're a good fit for me.

One woman is a dramatic mezzo who began by singing at the Met for 20+ years. Yeah...that'll be a fun lesson in getting over my fear of failure in front of someone who's a billion times better than I'll probably ever be. I just hope to convey my willingness to work and hope she likes working with me.

The other woman is an older soprano who actually gives "tuneup" lessons to the mezzo above on occasion. She comes highly recommended from a few of my friends who take with her, and our email interaction has already shown me that she has quite a bit of spunk.

Both these lessons are next weekend. I've begun singing more, brushing things up and hoping I don't make a fool of myself. I know it's seemingly insignificant for some, but this is a big deal to me, and I would love for one of these teachers to work out - that they would understand my situation as a homemaker and yet my desire for bettering my voice. I would appreciate your prayers if you wouldn't mind! I want to make a good impression and not waste the money...these lessons are not cheap!

In other news, I have a solo in one of Lyricora's songs for our Christmas concerts. It's pretty modern, a piece called "The Rose." I'll write more about it later...it's weird, yet fun. I've also been asked by our church's music director to sing some solos in their Christmas cantata. Not sure what they are yet, but that will be something else to look forward to.

It's been a while in coming, but I'm excited to get my voice back in shape!

why communism doesn't work

2011-10-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

"God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there.

There is no such thing."

~ C. S. Lewis

Sometimes I look around at the world I am living in, and am driven back by the amount of pain, the mountain of suffering, the sting of resentment. Other times, I am angered by others' lack of humility, passion without reason, and self-serving actions. And then, I fight intimidation by those who have acquired some sort of status, those who have "lived life" and "known victory and defeat." And many of the people who I meet and interact with on a daily basis, the ones who are broken, blind, and frantic...are the ones most in need of the God who lives in me.

I used to choke on that terminology...Jesus in me. How could I possibly have the God of all things living in me? But it's true, whether I fight accepting it or not.

"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27

It is a mystery. It is a profound, glorious, wonderful, head-scratching mystery. The Lord has deigned to send his Spirit to live in me as His chosen child of grace. I die so that He may live in me.

I have found that others who are broken tend to be in my life. I don't always know what to say, but I love that they feel comfortable around me. Well, as comfortable as they could feel at any given moment, I guess. Right now, I have a coworker who is a big part of my school-life who is about as low as life in the middle class can get. Her health is failing, her husband lost his job a year ago, they are out of savings and retirement money, they are about to lose their house, and their marriage is falling apart because of his pride and her resentment.

What do you say to such a person? Everytime the least little thing goes wrong, she gets all ho-hum and figures God must be punishing her for something. Sometimes I will lead into a bit about my beliefs of God's love and grace and how I believe He doesn't necessarily bring things like this into people's life...and she listens. I don't say much, because I'm not always the most confident with my words and someone like her takes words from a processor like me as gospel truth, when instead, I am really just thinking out loud. And I want to be more careful with articulating my faith with those who are questioning than just thinking out loud. I want to have an answer.

But I often don't. I am trying to trust God to give words where I have none, to give right responses, even if they might not seem appropriate at the time. He knows their heart and their mindset. I don't. My job is to love, keep my eyes on Christ, and let Christ live through me that she might see Him more.

So often, I am afraid of rejection from others when I talk about my relationship with God. I always feel like those who aren't Christians hate talking about God. They automatically have a defensive stare and a couple pointed questions and so much hurt behind it all that it seems to be inviting argument to mention His name. Why is it in our "tolerant" society, that Jesus still causes so much controversy? It amazes me how violent people are in their accusations against God. It shows me how much people are hurting, how much the devils lies are succeeding, and how deep of a need there is for God's grace and love in our lives. There is truly no peace for those who don't know Him. He longs to welcome them, but they turn away. Without God, there is nothing happy.

On a side note, our pastor mentioned that this is why communism has never really worked. The One person who can make it all come together, give people the motivation and love to stay and work together and sacrifice for each other...is not welcome. How can we be a community of people working together for a common good without God? It can't happen. There is too much that gives the Devil a foothold.

As Christians, can we trust that we all have this God in us? Can we begin to trust each other so that these dark days won't seem so dark when we are together? Can we truly be a light to those who are bumbling around with their darkened hearts in this increasingly frightening world? By God's grace, I hope so. I need you all more than ever. I need help with raising my kids, trusting my husband and friends, loving my coworkers and those who are in authority over me. I am desperate for comraderie that reeks of peace and love and laughter. I need a haven...and the only One who can provide it lives in us. Let's seek Him together. Individual devotion times are wonderful. But let's also strengthen each other by trusting this God who gives us peace and joy beyond measure and understanding. He gave us Himself. Let's give to others.

Mandela's thoughts on being a light

2011-09-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a Child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Nelson Mandela's Speech by Marianne Williamson

I. LOVE. THIS.

I'm not even sure how to think about it yet, as far as if I really really agree with it or if I just think it's nice to ponder...but it is amazing, regardless. Great food for thought, and he is such an inspiring man. That was one who lived without fear.

Unlike me. I think this quote strikes me because it is just what I tend to think most times. I have actually practiced playing the ditz and bumbling fool just so others who seem awkward will be put at ease, like giving them something to laugh at to ease tension - often at my own expense.

I struggle with shyness, whick is at odds with the performer in me. I think, "Who am I to put myself out there as a singer worth listening to? What will they think I think of myself to think I'm a good enough actress to be on the stage? Who do I think I am?"

Well, Mandela has made me think.

"...who are you not to be?"

If I truly believe God has given me gifts, why shouldn't I shine for His glory? If others are attracted to it, it will only be their attraction to the light of God in me. It would be akin to the servant burying the talent in the ground to "not" shine. Who do I think I am? I am His child, whom He has created. I am God's. It's hard to keep pride at bay, but with God's grace, I can be a light where I am planted

color me crazy, but...

2011-09-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking more and more about the following things:

- getting rid of our microwave. Or at least not using it anymore. The radiation or electrical waves or whatever is going on in there makes me nervous...and I'm not too keen on my food being "nuked". Even though I like warm food.

- grinding our own grains. There are many appliances that make this a snap, and I am thinking about this one that would attach to my KitchenAid. I have researched that it is way healthier and tastes amazing.

- using all-natural cleaners. I'm already starting to in a lot of ways, but it might be tough for me to give up my Clorox wipes. But I believe in vinegar and lemon juice and all that "green" stuff. I just haven't incorporated it fully yet.

- going the "no 'poo" route...if you haven't heard of this, it sounds a little nuts at first (and maybe just plain is nuts?...) I'm am definitely not 100% on board with this yet, but I feel like it's something I'd be willing to try...hm. We'll see. The problem is, I like the smell of shampoo too much!

- getting rid of my cell phone. This one is probably not practical, but I really don't want one anymore (I'm not really a phone person), plus we have a land line. Again, the wireless waves make me nervous. You've all heard of people's left buttcheeks aching because they carry their cell in the left back pocket too much? Yeah. Scares me a bit, not gonna lie. Along with that, no wireless computer? Again, not likely because not practical. But, I think that's one reason why we have so much cancer and autism and lots of other things going on right now...our very air in the environment has changed because of all the technology. Anyway. Might have to post more on that later.

- cloth diapering...actually have sort-of already started. I've been trying the gdiapers from Babies-R-Us and am liking them well enough for me...but I know Jon is not into diapering this way. I am looking into bumgenius diapers, which get really good reviews. Maybe even cloth wipes? They make flannel cloth wipes that you just throw the diaper and wipes into this bag and wash as directed...intruiges me.

(I'm getting kinda earthy crunchy, huh?) :)

my testimony.

2011-09-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

Warning: deep things written here. Go elsewhere for a light read. :)

I have been wanting to write out my testimony of salvation for a while now...it scares me a bit to be this vulnerable, but I love hearing others' journeys of faith. So, I will gladly share my life to this point, and how it has reshaped my thoughts about this blog.

In the elementary years, I met this Jesus for the first time. There were many tornado warnings back then - back in rural Mississippi. I was young and scared, and my dad was always deployed and my mom was all I knew for safety. Sometimes it seemed the bathroom was the other bedroom in the house for the amount of tornado sightings that would happen, police cars circling the military base telling us to take cover. I didn't mind sleeping in the bathtub. It was a little bit fun too, for a 6 year old. As a mom now, I can't imagine it was much fun for my mom during those times. Anyway, Jesus made himself real to me through those tornados. I had heard of His love for me and His sacrifice, but it became very real one summer day when we were visiting family in Seattle. I knelt and cried and prayed a seven-year-old prayer of confession and shame and gratitude for his love and protection. I had never felt so safe as I did in that moment.

Years came and went, and we moved many times. We ended up in New England, where I still am today, where I went to college and met my handsome Jon. I went to public high school, and found a niche, and found people treating me differently because of my faith. Not bad different, but well, they started not swearing around me. I never asked them to do it or even commented on it. But they knew. God is not subtle. Sometimes it irritated me - high school self wanting to "fit in." But they still wanted to be around me and be my friend. I was naive enough to not notice that I was treated differently from a lot of other kids. I was never offered drugs. I wasn't invited to parties. But, I didn't notice. I was too shy to care most of the time.

Actually, the high school years were years of intense devotion for me and God. I remember staying up late reading His Word and praying about everything...in the truest sense, Jesus was my friend and my Savior, and I was enthralled with Him while being a little afraid and in awe of just Who He was revealing Himself to be in our relationship. I felt small, yet remained confident of His love for me. I have never, to this day, doubted it. An assurance that has held me together in the later years.

College was interesting. A time to find out what works for you apart from your family. Things between God and I kept going strong, as I was finally in a place to let my spiritual wings spread and learn how to speak "like a Christian" and have late night discussions about Calvinism vs. Arminianism and other such things I viewed as silly next to the wonder of a great Savior such as Jesus. For the first time, theology in all its glory was thrown at me day after day, and I, the artist, the follower of Christ, did not know how to intellectualize my faith. He was too real to me. Why would I put the God of all into intellectual discussion? I found myself drawn to those who intellectualized, and they, in turn, were drawn to me for my childlike foolishness in faith. Both of us would say to the other, "but it's so nice to hear that side of it!"

Halfway through college, I got hit hard with mono. I was in the middle of my last semester of classes my senior year, head over heels in a relationship with the one who would become my husband, and I had worked to become one of the top singers in the music department (nothing that big...I was a senior after all). And I was lost. And I was scared. And I was oh, so tired. I had pushed through the fall semester for so long, not knowing why I was so tired, and then got the diagnosis when it was in a bad way. I should've dropped out and finished the next year. But, I reasoned I could handle it. Looking back, I guess I did. But things suffered. Life became hard. Yeah, okay, so not so hard like some have it. But I call the life before mono the "semi-charmed life" in my own head when I think about it. Hard things in life had not touched me yet. I knew nothing of depression, doubt, or fears.

I began to question why God would do this to me. Why He would take away every happy feeling from me? I was sprialing dark into hormonal depression...the chemicals in my body got way out of whack. I didn't know this at first, and just felt like there was nothing I could offer anyone, and so, what good was I? No, I couldn't believe that I was good enough for Jesus just the way I was. It couldn't be true. So I pushed it away. Here I was, a Christ-follower, a Christian, for most of my life, and I spit in His face because I was tired and feeling sad. I didn't know then how much I had relied on "feeling saved" and "feeling joy" and "feeling love" to prove to myself that I was good enough for God to save.

How pompous. But, the struggle continued after college. Jon saw my struggle and came alongside, though it scared him sometimes that I could struggle so violently against the One that I had often helped him to see the other sides to. And it scared me that I scared him. It was our first real test. And we weren't even engaged yet. After about 4-5 months, I eventually got help through some medication and things began to look better in my world. But, I think, looking back, the damage was done. Satan had gotten a foothold, and I wasn't so sure about my God anymore. Why would I have to go through something like that? What had I done to deserve it? What does it mean that God is good? My fierce, childlike devotion waned. I was tired of trying. Every thing in every day still took effort, first because of the mono, second because of the depression. I didn't know how to be "normal" anymore. I couldn't be my happy-go-lucky self...it even seemed at times like that person was never even real. But, life continued. Jon stuck with me, and I with him and I am so thankful. I knew, through all my anger and confusion over what was happening, that God was still there. We got engaged. I finished school.

A few years later, and handsome Jon and I are married. Life is amazing, and I have a job teaching music for the first time. I feel happy again, hormones balanced. I stop asking God the hard questions...but I also stop communing with Him every day. I try, but I am so happy to be happy again, that I grow complacent. We live the high life for a while, and then one day, not soon after Christmas, I get carsick.

I never get carsick.

I had a vague feeling that something was off. On our way home from winter vacation in Maine, I tell Jon that I think I should buy a pregnancy test, you know, just to be on the safe side. I was sure that I was wrong and there was no cause for alarm.

I took the test. The double lines showed up faster than I could blink. I dropped my head and felt my legs shaking, and began to cry. I couldn't be. I didn't know how to be a mom...I barely knew how to be a wife. Jon knocked on the door, and I didn't even answer, too consumed in my fear and shock. I wish, looking back, that it had been able to be a happy moment, but it was not. I was not ready.

That pregnancy and subsequent birth of my first son, Jeremiah, was a journey, and probably complete other blog post in and of itself. But it was vital in God bringing me back to Himself. I am not proud to say this, but I should not sugarcoat the journey it was for me: I was not happy to be pregnant. I wanted my life to be the way it had been going, not the way it was going to be in 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, months. While everyone around me was rejoicing, I was slowly retreating inside, back to that place I found during the mono. Why God? What is your plan? I'm not wanting this. I'm too young. I'm too immature. I'm too selfish. Many excuses, some true and some leading, filled my heart and mind. I revealed them to no one. I cherished the appearance I gave to others more than the truth.

Jeremiah, my precious boy, was born on August 24, 2007. I loved him more than I could understand. I made a promise to him our first night together, that I would do my best to do everything I could to take care of him, even while I hadn't a clue what I was doing. Days and weeks went by, and I felt myself spiraling, drawing away from God as I questioned why my life had taken such a drastic turn...oh I was so selfish. I wanted my time back, my energy back, my late nights with my husband back. I wanted my dreams back. I felt that having this baby was a complete derailing of everything I thought my life would be. I had always talked about having kids. But, this was quick. I had things to do. We had only been married 17 months when I found out I was pregnant. I withdrew fast, from Jon, from my friends, from my family, and from God. I didn't know what else to do. So I faked the happiness of pregnancy, shoved aside the fear, and held a grudge against my Lord. The One who I supposedly trusted was too dangerous to me.

This is long I know, but it's getting to modern times...just stick with me.

When Jeremiah was 4 months old, I had finally gotten him to sleep in his crib, and was lying in our bed with my sleeping husband beside me, slowly crying myself to sleep, as I had many nights before. I tried to do it quietly, but Jon knew. He tried to help, but I told him I didn't know what was wrong. But deep inside, I knew. God and I had to have some time together to have it out. I was so disappointed and unaccepting of His will for my life that I couldn't even pray. So, that one night, when my son was 4 months old, I gave in. I finally cried out to Him and said, "Lord, if you will take away this horrible feeling of hopelessness, I will do whatever You want. What is it You want from me? Why won't You let me go? Tell me what to do and I will do it. Only take this feeling away."

It is one of two times I have felt God speak so clearly to me.

I heard "Abide in me."

And then I really began to cry. The burden had been lifted and the walk through the valley of the shadow of death had ended, and God still wanted me. I couldn't believe my good fortune, that God would still love me and want me to abide with Him through all my whining and moaning. Right there I told Him, laughing through my tears, "YES!" It was so simple, but I had lost sight of that wonderful abiding in Him that had brought us such closeness in the beginning.

I think back on that time as an almost "second-salvation experience." It might not sound like much, but God reached down to reassure me of His love and awoke such peace in my soul. I will never forget His grace.

Since that day 4 years ago, I still struggle and straggle along. But I have seen how God is molding me into the woman He wants me to be. It is not who I imagined I would be at 18...heck, even when I started this blog, the title says it all. I had a dream to be a singer. God has given me that dream, and continues to give me that dream...but it looks different than I planned. I believe He has also given me other dreams, just as important. The dream of marriage. The dream of motherhood. The dream of teaching. God given dreams. Sometimes they are scary. Sometimes they are overwhelming in their powerful play on my heart. I sometimes try to pull away and pretend I don't care so much.

But, daily. I am trying daily to live in His grace and allow myself to be molded into what He desires for me.

And, ultimately, He desires life for me. Life, and not death. I hope as my life continues and chidlren grow and our marriage grows and students are taught and songs are sung that my life will continue to testify to my Lord's power and hold on me.

I say it loud and proud here: I am His and He is mine.

So. Stressed. Out.

2011-08-28T12:46:00.000-07:00

So, remember how I said that fall used to be my favorite season? Well, this post will give a little insight into why my preference changed.

Tomorrow, I begin the 2011-2012 school year. Luckily, I don't have to teach yet, as my first two days are professional development days and the other 1/2 day I teach is all Kindergarten classes, who don't show up until next week. But...the schedule begins.

I have been realizing that I have been rather nasty to my husband and first son the last 24 hours. Once I realized this, I realized how very stressed out I was...and how very tired. This is my processing post for that.

My oldest just turned 4 (FOUR!! I have a child...no longer a baby, or even a toddler...a grown-up-going-to-school-BOY!) and this past weekend we had a huge birthday party for him. I didn't really feel that stressed about it, except for during it (I hate hosting parties), and I think it went rather well. But, today I am really quite tired. I think the baby is too. He is very social and did very well, but was pretty tuckered out last night and today. He's already on his 3rd nap. It's 2:45pm.

Speaking of the baby, I am pretty anxious to leave Isaac. I've been trying to convince myself that I have to accept as good enough that he will be safe and secure and taken care of, even if he is unhappy while I'm gone. See, he is a momma's boy through and through. I think all baby's are at this age, but it just makes it especially hard for me because he's miserable, and then I assume whoever is taking care of him while I'm gone is miserable as well (because I sure would be miserable with a crying baby for hours on end!) and I feel doubly guilty. I know Isaac will adapt and all will be well soon enough, but I sure am gonna fight feeling bad all the time. I need lots of prayer. And Isaac and Jon and our babysitters will need lots of prayer too.

You may think I'm being melodramatic? But you have not been here while this baby screams for an hour or so at a time. And is exhausted and DOESN'T sleep and then screams some more. He's stopped doing that in general, but still tends to do it when I'm not around. I kid you not, the child is 3 months old, will look around a room, notice I'm not there, and commence tantrum. 3 MONTHS OLD.

But I digress.

So that's stressful. Then, there's the whole, you know, getting my butt back in gear for teaching. I'm very excited, actually, because I love my job...but it's always a stressful beginning getting everything together and getting in to organize and decorate your room and get your manipulatives and charts in place and lessons refined. And on top of that, our school's open house is this coming thursday. Our district decided to do those lovely nights right away. While I agree with the principle of this, it is a bit stressful to prepare everything I want to say in one of the two times I have a captive audience of all parents in the school to advocate for my program, describe my curriculum, and present a friendly face while giving legitimacy to my position. I have been performing my whole life and these types of things are the scariest to me...maybe because it's just me being myself up there instead of inhabiting a character. So, if the parents don't like me or I mess up, it's because I may be a moron. :)

See why I don't like fall so much anymore? Lots of stressful things happen. Good things, some. But stressful things because there are so many changes.

Here's what I like about fall: (I need to remind myself of the good)

- crisp air with sunshine

- everything to do with pumpkins! carving, baking, the colors, the scents

- apple picking with friends

- the local fair (although this is less fun with little kids in tow in my opinion...more expensive and you realize how dirty and unsafe things are)

- bold bright colors outside

- making warm comfort food again (soups! stews! homemade mac-n-cheese! mmmmmm....)

- anitcipation for holidays

- rearranging furniture and knick knacks around the house (Yes, I do this about every season. I have a problem.)

(this is literally how I think of rooms...I was almost an architect. Love this kind of stuff.)

- the beginning of school.

I do love to see the kids again and share in the excitement of beginning a new year. And the challenge of refining my teaching craft...each year is a fresh start to try to do a little better than before.

K. Not so stressed out anymore. The baby is sleeping in my arms, my parents are here to help out for a few days, and Jeremiah is happily listening to music from my dad's computer. The hurricane didn't get us, and life is so blessed. Over and out.

feierabend

2011-08-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

My M.M.ed program is 3 years long...more specifically, 3 summers long. Last summer was the first.

Because of my son's recent birth, I took this summer "off" and will therefore be using next summer as my 2nd summer of my M.M.ed program.

But...this program offers "Workshop Week" where well-known music educators from around the country (and/or world) come to present about their specialities. This year, I decided to finally see and work with John Feierabend, who has become recognized as one of the leading authorities in music education of the last few decades. I have been using his approach in my classroom for years, and appreciate how straight-forward it all is. I enjoyed his workshop tremendously, and hope to hear him again sometime.

I took his workshop for credit toward my masters (so I was technically still working towards it). to receive full credit, I had to submit a paper oof my thoughts on the workshop, its relevency to my teaching, etc. Here's a snippet:

"Throughout the workshop, Dr. Feierabend emphasized the importance of sequencing the learning from aural to reading to writing. He taught that in previous decades, music education had focused either too much on the intellectual side of music, the “about” part of music such as notation and rhythm values, finger placement on instruments and theory, or on the intrinsic value of music - art for arts’ sake. He suggests that by focusing on hearing the music first, one can appreciate what goes on “below the surface”, and thereby teach the intrinsic values of music alongside the extrinsic. His is an approach focused on aural immersion, with reading and writing secondary, although still important. He suggested that by focusing on hearing the music well, the students would learn to make music well. As educators, it is our job to teach them using good music and teach them to make good music - and then teach them to read and write that music as means to remember it. Dr. Feierabend suggests that we teach notation as a means to remember good art, not as a means to itself."

I am not the best writer in the world, but it has been fun to review what I learned and figure out how I'm going to apply it to my teaching. I am trying to be a better teacher! I will not be defeated! :)

But seriously...if you are interested in music education at all (or even music), it would be worth your time to hear John Feierabend. If you ever have the chance, take it! He's pretty funny as well...kindof a dark, dry sense of humor. The kind that shocks some people who think that he's serious at first? Here's an example:

Background: Dr. Feierabend is describing a folk dance festival that is done at his house every year. He and whoever else would like to play jigs and reels by ear for the others to dance to. He is speaking to a woman who insists on reading music while playing her tuba.

(speaking to the woman): "Ok, but the rest of us are going to be playing by ear...you are certainly welcome to use notation, but that's not being very musical, you know."

(then speaking to us, the students)"...like, what a loser, right?" then gives a subtle little half grin and feigns shock when a fellow workshop student looks at him crosseyed.

I loved every minute. It was enjoyable and educational and inspiring.

And teaching begins August 29.

a child's prayer

2011-08-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

the scene: bedtime, around 7:45pm.

Jeremiah: "I want to pray!"

me: "Ok, go ahead."

Jeremiah: "Dear Jesus, thank you for this day. Thank you for your love for us, and thank you for this day. Please bless the wall. Please bless the fan. Please bless the door. And please bless my table. And please bless Meemaw and Grandpa and Uncle Matt. Please bless Uncle Tim and Aunt Katie and Baby Andrew. And please bless Mommy and Isaac. And please bless this food. Oops, I mean, please bless my piggy bank. In Jesus' name, Aaaaa-men!"

best. drink. ever.

2011-08-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends!

I don't think I have ever had a post about any food or drink...but this is too good to not write about.

I give you...the Dark-n-Stormy.

Oh. my. garsh. So good. Tangy, yet sweet. Bubbly, yet flavorful. You've got to try it. Go. Get the ingredients and mix it up and enjoy.

Jon and I first discovered these last summer (before I was pregnant, don't worry!)...I can't remember how. And, I can't believe I forgot about them until now (probably the 9 months of no-alcohol recently).

But never again! Oh, Dark-n-Stormy, never again will I forget your goodness. Your gingery, smooth, dark rum concoction of love.

What did I tell you? Go now!
Go!

(oh...you need Black Seal Dark Rum and Ginger Beer and mix to your liking.)

A list: "I think..."

2011-08-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

...my second son is HUGE! I thought he would be generally a little smaller than Jer, since he was over a pound less than him when born. But he is catching up fast!

...my first son is HUGE! He is going to be 4 in 21 days. How did this happen? He looks like a schoolkid and says things like "sure, Mom" and has chores. Good thing he still lets me kiss his not-so-chubby cheeks.

...it is really sad that summer is almost over. I mean, we still have about 1/3 of it to go, but we're really all thinking it's almost over, right? I hate that. I read on another blog that August is like a maid, that comes and starts sweeping the dusty summer floors, and wiping down coffee tables, and straightening up closets in preparation for fall.

...Fall is great. It used to be my favorite season, and still is a close runner-up, but I think that was before I was ingratiated into the working world. Fall is wicked busy when you're a teacher. Not that I'm complaining, just that summer is definitely superior to me in so many ways now. Even though it's hot. Which reminds me...

...that people who complain about the hot weather in summertime need to check their brains at the door, because we get about 2 months of good summer weather every year, and how many months of winter?! How often is it cold here?! too often, I say. Enjoy the blistering heat - have a margarita and stay inside in your precious air conditioning, but don't try to take my joy away at it actually being a hot summer day in New England. Natural heat is good! Wear those tank tops, flip flops, and cut off jeans, go jump in the still-freezing atlantic ocean, and stop complaining!

...that I get a little over-sensitive sometimes. Sorry.

...that my projects around the house are finally starting to get done, because Isaac is finally starting to take longer naps while Jeremiah is at preschool!

...that instead of doing projects around the house, I should be cleaning the said house. Oh well. We don't have people over that much anyway. Plus...

...my mom and dad are coming soon! Which means that she will clean for me! (I appreciate her for way more than this, but this is a big one. My mom rocks.)

...I need to find a new voice teacher. I know of a couple, but need to do some research and make some calls.

...I need to start going into my classroom to get it ready. Oh summer, where hast thou gone?

:)

Passion

2011-07-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Part of me hesitates to write about "passion"...our culture, especially our youth and media uses this term so often that it almost loses its intended intensity. Despite that some might think it has been diluted in definition, (i.e. "I'm so passionate about those designer pillows right now!" blech.) I still think it is a powerful way to express what are the important things to you in your life.

Passion is a funny thing, because it can cause such extreme emotion depending on the outcome. Often, people who are passionate about something can be bitterly disappointed that their expectations aren't met...and yet a few months or years later will be at it again - whatever "it" is. Because they can't help themselves. I think to have something qualify as a passion, it should be something that you have a natural talent for/eye for/gift for. It should be something that even if you take time off from it, or life circumstances change the realization of it, you adapt and still seek ways to have it in your life, no matter how difficult. Because without it, you feel a little lost.

At least, these are the ramblings of me, the singer. You might be saying, "sure, but I have way too much on my plate right now, and it's easy for you to just sing at different events or church or whatever and keep your passion going that way." Well, yeah, maybe. But I still had to get to the place where I felt that those venues were "good enough" for me to be satisfied in expression. I still felt like the big stage was where true singers with real talent would end up, and I was determined to not let that escape me. I had a lot of pride built into my vision for my life. So, as many people know...I am not the big singer up on stage who dazzles and gets acclaim and accolades galore and rides high on the music every night of a show. God had other plans for me, at least for this stage of my life. After college - right as things were starting to fall into place musically, right as directors and programs and teachers were starting to take notice and encourage me to audition at all these various places - I decided I was in love and wanted to get married to that person before it passed me by. I was very much in love (and maybe a little blinded by that!), but it was also a choice to let go a little of that dream of mine to head to the big cities and live it up with a single life. Soon after, we began having kids and here I am, housesitting in a beautiful house in a quaint New England town with two adorable boys and a hard-working husband and teaching music part-time.

Sometimes I think, "How did I get here?"

Now, I am in no way saying that getting married = letting your dreams die! Haha, that would be awful, wouldn't it? But, it entails sacrifice and compromise, and one thing I decided to compromise was my desire for the stage. I still sing, quite often, with various local opera companies in their summer and winter concert series, and sing in church quite a bit. I've even done an occassional show, but it is really difficult with young children at home. I decided a while ago that it is just too hard to do a big show at this time - need to wait until the kids are a bit older - might be a while!

I decided this because I am not willing to sacrifice my family for my dream. Even the small amount of time I take away from them now, teaching and occassionally singing smaller gigs can be really difficult. My husband is immensely encouraging, as he is himself a fine singer, and also knows how important it is to me - how passionate I am about communicating through music. I am so grateful for that. I had to change my priorities about my life, and have been realizing that maybe it's not really mine to begin with. I truly believe God gave me my passion for music, specifically a gift for singing, and while I struggle at times with how to realize that, I know I need to continue to hone and prune it for whatever opportunities He brings my way.

This time of life has smaller vocal opportunities, but it is a very short time of life. My children are young, innocent, and trusting. They need me and still want me around. I am going to honor that and live presently with them and my husband. Later, when there is time, I will be able to pursue my passion more ardently. In the meantime, I will look for small opportunities to sing where I can, when it fits, so the talent will not be lost.

On a side note (this post is getting lo-o-o-o-ong!), would you consider following God's plan a passion? Or taking care of your family a passion? Or being a homemaker who keeps a healthy, fun-loving, clean family in their home a passion? (read this blog if you do...another great one!)

I think I would say yes...I have always been trying to follow God's plan for my life beyond any other dreams I might have...even if I wasn't sure what that plan was at the moment. I believe I am passionate about doing right by God. He also gave me this family, even when I was immature and inexperienced and scared, and gave me the tools, knowledge, and passion to care about and for them. I have become very passionate about making our home life intentional and beautiful and clean and loving and happy and on and on and on.

I know there are many other types of passions out there that are seemingly impractical to pursue at certain times of life as well. But I would encourage you to not put those dreams on the shelf permanently. If you are into art, continue taking classes when you can, or a weekend workshop to brush up (ha!) your skills. If you are into drama, see if your church has any spiritual drama ministries you could either start or be a part of. I know I have been immensely blessed by dramatic readings or monologues of Biblical characters that bring the Bible to life. If you are into engineering, find mechanic friends to show you how to tune up your car on the weekend every now and then...

...there are many seemingly simple, creative, everyday ways to rediscover your first passion, whatever it is, at whatever stage of life, alongside new passions you have been given. Being friends with so many new mothers (and myself being one!), I have seen so many friends dive headlong into mothering and forget for a while what they used to pursue in their lives. (um, hello? that was me...still is on occassion) What I start seeing is a little bit of that tired, hopeless look in their eyes and in their manner. And when we get talking, they confess a need to do something that doesn't involve the children, and often doesn't involve the husband as well. I believe this is your passion calling. Don't forget what God first gave you, even if there isn't space or time for it at this present moment. I remind myself of this weekly.

Are you tired of seeing the word PASSION yet? :)

"passion following"

2011-07-25T06:48:00.000-07:00

I just read an amazing blog post written by "the nester."

I love her blog! Check it out!
She usually blogs about home furnishings and furniture re-arranging and thrifting and such (dressing your "nest"), but decided to write a bit about how she and her husband are now earning money doing what they love. The whole post is to inspire you to keep following your passion, and God will bless that. Sound familiar? If you've read the title of my blog, it should. I've believed that for a long time, and it's nice to hear someone else's thoughts on the subject. I encourage you to read it and think about what you love doing.

I will be writing more about my passions soon. :)

my boy's favorite songs evah!

2011-07-09T06:27:00.000-07:00

So, Jeremiah is what my hubby likes to call "a serial monogamist"...which, can be a bit irritating at times when he wants to do the same activity, or in this case, listen to the same song, over and over again.

But he gets such joy out of each and every time, that you can't help but play it for him "just one more time, bud, ok?"

And dance a bit.

Oh, is that just me? Whatever, if I have to listen to it, might as well be fun.

One of the ways I have used his serial monogamy to my advantage is to play the songs I like for Jeremiah frequently, hoping he will take to one of them and start requesting. Which he does.

Lately, I had been playing one of Michael Buble's amazing albums, and Jeremiah began requesting from his carseat, "Can we listen to 'Birds Flying High'?"

Thus it began.

Pros to hearing this a lot:
1. Jeremiah singing it an octave up, which is SO ridiculously adorable and does my heart good
2. The music video is a straight takeoff of Bond, which my husband loves.
3. Buble sings this really, really well. I try to sound like him, and then Jer asks me to "please, mommy, I don't like that singing" and I stop. :)

Cons to hearing this a lot:
1. You constantly feel like you're about to walk into a Bond movie scene at the end.
2. Car neighbors hearing you wail and seeing you dance strangely out the car window.

He has also taken to this song, which is on the same album:

This is even cuter when he sings it the octave up, because it goes pretty high. And it's really funny because Jer tends to start it two octaves up! Go ahead, try it, I dare you.

Last month it was this song. (We're not sure where he first heard it...although I will play pop radio for him on occasion and he learns quickly)

Sorry for the lame video...the official music video is a little much for me to handle, so you get the version we let Jeremiah watch. I really don't mind this...I've always liked dance music, and there is no gratuitous...anything in this song. Pretty clean as far as this style goes.

Hope you've enjoyed a peak into our life soundtrack lately...and now go about your day singing "Dynamite" over and over again. Sorry.

new students

2011-07-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

I have begun teaching voice again, after a hiatus of a couple years. Even though I love it, the whole process is a little intimidating to me, as I know how messed up someone can get from bad teaching advice, especially as a young voice student. So, I have taken on students in a cautious and limited manner - mostly taking students that have little to no experience, or who mainly want someone to act more as a "coach" instead of a technical voice instructor. I'm playing it safe, as I know I can teach basics, but feel incompetent to diagnose any sort of vocal issue, even if I can hear what it is.

Part of this stems from college, and not taking the courses I wanted to in order to be able to run a private voice studio. The only things I can go off of are my own experiences in private lessons (and Lord knows that not everyone learns and receives instruction the same way, or has the same problems!) and voice literature of the more scientific nature. I wish I could learn under some sort of mentoring program, so as to ensure that I don't screw up someone's voice for even a short amount of time.

The two students I am teaching now fall under my criteria of "who-I-am-willing-to-teach":
* T., a young lady who is a freshman and simply has always wanted voice lessons so she could become audition well enough to make it into the spring musical that I direct at her school every year. She has very little experience, sounded like pitched air when I first heard her, and is enthusiastic and lovely in all ways adolescenty. It's enjoyable and she is progressing well.

* L., a young man who I've worked with in the past during the spring musicals I direct - he is now a sophomore in college. He is home for the summer, wants to audition for his school's "Guys and Dolls" (love that show!) in the fall and wants to brush up some audition rep. From working with him in the past, he is not a natural singer (that's putting it really nicely) and can be a difficult personality to work with. But, I had my first lesson with him yesterday, and he does have some good things to work with...and mostly wants me to just help him learn the melodies and such of his music. Normally, I would try to push more technique into someone such as this (and, honestly, how will I be able to avoid it throughout our time together), but he is so far out there, and we have such a short amount of time together, that it will probably take up most of our time to get him to learn the melodies to a comfortable level. It will be an interesting summer of lessons with him, for sure.

So anyway, there's my insecure confession about teaching privately, and I hope to only get better. I desperately don't want to be one of those teachers that has everyone coming out of their studio having the same problem that others have to fix. I really would love to teach more students privately, but feel so inadequate. Seriously, why aren't there mentorships for people who want to do this?

What a stupid question. It's like I'm asking why there isn't more money for arts programs....who cares, right? argh.

In order to end on a happier note...I will leave you with one of my favorite songs from "Guys and Dolls":

the boys

2011-06-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

Isaac:

He's now 7 weeks and 2 days old today. He has a love of being carried around and snuggled to sleep in the crook of my arm, but doesn't mind the occassional alone time on his back on the floor or in the bouncy seat, looking around at the world - lights and windows are his favorites. Favorite activities include eating, napping, spitting up, hiccuping, looking at me, being outside, falling asleep in the car, laughing at his brother, and looking at Jon's hairline. He has reflux, which has been difficult, but more manageable lately as he is actually taking his medicine. He has yet to sleep on his back for longer than 1/2 hour at a time (probably due to the reflux)...we're working on that. He prefers to sleep in his carseat, in the baby swing, or in someone's arms - all of which keep him at a somewhat 45 degree angle. He is a determined, willful, reactive, emotional, expressive, strong, healthy, and delightful little boy. His name means "laughter" (recall the biblical story of Abraham and Sarah being told they would have a child in their old age and she laughed...that's how Isaac, their son, got his name) and he really does seem to emulate that a lot. I've decided I'll keep him. 'Cuz, you know. I love him.

Jeremiah:

He is 3 years, 10 months, and 5 days old today. He has a love of being carried around as well, but at 40+ pounds, it takes some doing for that. He has just completed his first year of preschool and will be starting summer preschool on monday. He misses his teacher and classmates already, you can tell. Every day, I am amazed at the difference a year has made...I mean, I know a year makes a huge difference anyway with children, but in this case, Jeremiah was so far behind and so lost in so many ways - it is truly amazing how quickly he has progressed to be acting more appropriately for his age. Of course, along with that comes the willful disobedience, the sassy remarks, the constant questions and chatter...not to mention the fact that the kid never stops moving! From what I know of boys, this is typical - we just hadn't experienced it at the normal time that most boys become...this. But, as much as he drives me crazy, as much as I am pulling my hair out to figure out what to do with him when he is defiant or pushing boundaries - I am overwhelmingly thankful that his diagnosis has been made, that teachers have stepped in to help, that therapies are available, and that he has taken to everything so well so he is acting more individually and thinking on his own and making his own decisions. So many people have worse situations that can't improve...and I have a beautiful boy who keeps me guessing every day. He loves babies (lucky for Isaac who receives the full brunt of his affections), baking with the Kitchenaid, eating snacks (and not meals, much to my chagrin), apple juice, being outside, playgrounds, when Mommy and Daddy are both home, and Franklin/Little Bear/Blues Clues/WonderPets. He is way too tall for his own good and can climb anywhere and do pretty much anything he decides to do, physically - thankfully he hasn't quite realized all he could do. For now. We love him dearly and look forward to this summer with him as he continues to grow. He is a joyful, sensitive, social, emotional, strong little boy who learns quickly, tests boundaries, and craves acceptance. And I love him.

Jon:

He is...well, we don't need to announce his age, I guess. He can be a little sensitive about it, although I think 30 is bery dignified and still young-sounding. Oh...well. hm. Whatever...most of our friends know how old he is anyway. He has been working part-time at a mechanic's shop in a beautiful ocean town nearby where he gets to work on an outside lift and smell the ocean and go for test drives to the ocean...all in the name of work. Of course, he's covered in car oil and grease and carbeurator (sp?) fluid so he can't enjoy it as much...what's that honey? No such things as carbeurators anymore? Well. Good thing you pay attention and I sing pretty songs. Anyway. He is also enrolled part-time at a local seminary and spending his off days reading and reading and reading and occasionally other things having to do with reading. He wants to be a pastor someday, and I think he will be a great one. He loves fast cars, grilling food, James Bond, theology, having people over, good debate, wrestling with our little guys (well, Jeremiah for now), and a good cigar. And me, luckily. He's a great dad, a wonderful husband, and a fierce friend. And I love him.

I am blessed to have such wonderful boys in my life.

wha' happened!?

2011-05-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

I think I have officially begun my trek back to the land of the living.

Today is my baby's 3 week birthday, and I am feeling, let's say, not so overwhelmed as I might have been feeling in the last couple weeks. I have ventured out to the grocery store, Babies-r-us, CVS. Sometimes even hauling the two kids by myself! (that hasn't happened that often, lest you think I am amazing.)

(But...I am.) :)

Isaac Mitchell is a look-a-like to my older boy (that's weird to say!), but so far acts very differently than Jeremiah. Where Jeremiah slept a lot, Isaac, well, sleeps, but not super soundly. (he's starting to at night, thank goodness). Where Jeremiah didn't much tell us if his diaper needed changing, Isaac screams until we figure it out. Where Jeremiah pretty much put himself on an eating schedule in the first few weeks, and it was to hospital code every 3 hours, Isaac wants to eat about every hour and a half, and screams and headbutts my shoulder until I feed him. Then he gulps as if he's dying. He put on 14 ounces in his first week. The first week! He wasn't even supposed to be born yet!

So, here's the skinny. (Oh I feel so skinny now. Not that it's true by normal standards, but by "I used to be 9 months pregnant a month ago" standards, I'm feeling great!) Isaac was supposed to be born May 13, a Friday. He instead, decided to show up on May 9, a Monday. Mother's Day was May 8 this year, and I had a pretty uncomfortable day of it. That night, around 11, I began having contractions which quickly became pretty regular. My darling husband had stayed up way too late watching Discovery's "River Monsters", so I decided to let him sleep until the contractions were about 8 minutes apart for an hour. Then we made our trek to the birth center, calling a family friend to come be with Jeremiah since it was about 4:30am.

I decided to go all natural for this childbirth. Last time I had an epidural and thought it strange that I couldn't feel myself in labor until the very end, so I thought this time that I would try the other option.

FYI - don't try the other option. If you are going to have children, or are thinking about having children, I strongly encourage you to consider the wonderful benefits that technology has afforded us with painkilling drugs. I say this with full knowledge that my labor with Isaac went "perfectly" according to the midwife. I had a completely healthy labor and child with no complications whatsoever.

Well, if that's perfect, I want out. Next time, if there is one, will not be done without drugs if I can help it. I said to the midwife after a particularly hard contraction, "This was a really bad idea." She looked at my crosseyed, and said, "What?!" I didn't have time to explain that I meant the natural labor, not the whole decision to have a baby, because right then I had another contraction.

ahem...anyway...

At the end of my perfect labor came this little guy:

No, not the big hairy guy...the little hairy guy.

And he is, oh, so very ruddy and hairy.

But, he is perfect. So it was, as they say, worth it.

So, I've been a bit distracted lately, as there's a new baby and this is the first day that I haven't had family here. I am so blessed to have so much family to help...now it will be the real test as I will be home with the boys starting tomorrow by myself.

I think I can I think I can I think I can...!

it's just about time...

2011-05-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

a fun fill-in-the-blank game.)

...to make dinner. Yet am I? Not on your life. It's mother's day! Yet, I am not certain how dinner will appear...probably in the form of leftovers.

...to switch jobs again. Yes, I have been "officially" laid off. I know that the school district I'm in will hire me back if they can/if the budget allows/if God intends...but, nevertheless, I am looking for something part-time and musically-oriented.

...to have this baby. I have had a crick in my neck for about 3 days that won't go away because I can't stretch and I can't exercise and I can't move well at all and I am SO done with taking tylenol ALL the TIME. I am also the teeniest bit grumpy, not that anyone can tell. ;) har har.

...to go to a beach and soak up some nice weather. After the baby, of course. Probably WAY after the baby. But, still. It's that time of year. Hopefully this baby will like to be outside, because I crave it, and New England only allows us nice weather for what seems like 2 months out of the year.

what would you fill in the blank with?

my lovely child

2011-04-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

oh how i love my beautiful son.

He sings and sings and sings, and now has begun to echo sing with me, just as my kindergarten students learn to do and he is so dead on in pitch and rhythm and joy in learning to communicate and feel through song.

He presses against me and watches my eyes and runs into me and bear-kisses my face and hugs my arm and squishes into my face during the early morning hours when I'd almost rather be sleeping, but am instead finding myself grateful for his innocent joy at being near me, yet again, for another day.

His growing appetite lately, where he is suddenly the last one to want to leave the dinner table, the toddler-type of picky eater turned into the famished boy who helps set the table and then waits expectantly in his chair, wondering why he is not eating yet and then serves himself almost adult portions and eats it all and then asks for an apple an hour later and I look at his feet and his hands and am reminded that I have been given the honor to help grow this child-boy into a man.

His game of contrarian response to any and all requests which can turn on a dime into a teary-eyed apology when the game goes wrong and mama is not in the mood to play and the joyful attitude is broken into insecurity and needing to be assured of my love to wrap his head around the discipline.

He asks for the Easter story again and again, cheering when Jesus is alive and repeating that He died for you and me and wondering what a tomb is and shouting "Hosanna to the King" at any given moment during the day and I am wondering how much he actually understands and remind myself that there is much that I don't actually understand either, but God does and teaches our hearts, even at 3 years old.

He is gentle and risky, loving and needling, messy and particular, friendly-to-a-fault and shyly attached to me at odd times. He was given to me from my God, to a scared, unwilling girl who knew nothing about what I wanted in a family or child, cared little for security in home and relationship, and was unprepared for the toll it has taken on my ego. I had prayed for a change to bring me closer to Him - it came. It came in a tiny bundle who is just perfect for our family, who, indeed, has helped to make us this family, and who God has used to break my unknowingly egotistical will and prideful ideas, mold my desires and needs into His, and grow my capacity to love others and give grace when unheeded.

I know it is not my son who has done this, but God. I am afraid of, and yet pray for again, an increase in my relationship to Him through this next child. May His hand guide our love in this family.

2011-04-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

I am overdue for an update. I will do it in list form. And I will, for the first time, try to add pictures.

I like typing in short sentences. It feeds the lazy in me.

1. I am done working until September. Official maternity leave has commenced!

2. I really like the school I work in. Even though it has many things I would change, it is, I believe, the best situation I could find myself in for my type of job.

3. I don't know if I'll still have a job to come back to in September. It's not looking good. It depends on a town meeting. I don't like depending on a town meeting.

4. I have been craving all sorts of dessert lately. And seafood. But not seafood dessert. That's gross.

4a. strawberry shortcake.

4b. devil's food cake bon-bons. (do they even make those? and don't they sound good?)

4c. mint-chocolate frappes. Yes, FRAPPE and not MILKSHAKE...I've had both, and the frappes are WAY better in every way, because they are basically ice cream. Milkshakes have their place. Like, on a McD's menu at midnight when you have no other options. But, if you do have options...FRAPPE.

4d. fried fisherman's platter with tarter and cocktail sauces on the side. Seriously. Mouth is watering.

5. Ok, so the last few weren't updates, just dreams. Sorry.

6. Jeremiah is the cutest ever and still drives me nuts. But I'll keep him.

6a. He now lets us know when he has to pee. either through a little dance, or by asking "can I go pee now", or by holding his crotch and looking pained. Mostly just the last one, but the second one is happening more and more. :)

6b. His way of arguing with us when he doesn't like our answer is to ask his question, again, louder, and then say the answer he wants after it even louder than that.

6c. This boy cannot get enough of us. I don't know how he is going to survive a baby coming into the picture.

7. We are about halfway done painting the bedrooms' trim a really pretty cream. It's really looking nice, and I'm thrilled, even though it takes forever.

8. I made homemade granola bars today, and they are pretty yummy, but won't stay together as bars. Disappointing.

9. I am 4 weeks away from having a baby! I hope...I dread both going too early and too late...in fact, I kinda dread the whole thing since I want to try to do this naturally this time. I know...many women do this all the time, it's not a big deal, but I am a big ol' wimp when it comes to pain. I don't really know why I'm so fixated on trying it naturally. Maybe it's my crazy "green" side spilling over into all areas of my life. Maybe I'll be doing something like this.

maybe not.

10. I have been trying to garden, unsuccessfully. I think tomato plants can get into gear in the next week or so...I'm going to buy them already grown to make it a bit easier this year, since i'm a little late getting the seeds in.

11. This baby moves a LOT. I think we are having a very active child. Which makes me nervous, because we already have an active child. And he did not move a lot in the womb.

12. I am starting to feel like I don't know what's about to hit me...and it might be a mack truck.

13. In the meantime, I will blissfully continue my life as if not much is about to change. That's the mature thing to do. :)

14. I feel compelled to add another thing, since everyone keeps reminding me (regardless of their religious beliefs) that my due date is Friday the 13th. So, now there are 14 things on my list. No picture for this one, they're all too gross.

the countdown begins...

2011-04-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

I have been achieving small victories almost weekly lately.

It has been a long haul to get to this point...at least it feels that way. I have been working like a crazy person while being much more pregnant than last time with my son. Last time, I was able to be on school summer vacation at the beginning of my 7th month, and basically had 3 months to sluff off and not do much but grow a child and get baby things ready and lay on a beach getting my huge belly tan.

Now...not so much. But, different does not mean bad. Just, very different.

I am working less than I was (only teaching part-time vs. full time), but then again, I stopped working for summer vacation when I was full time, and then didn't go back to that job because it was...well, full time, and being a mom seemed too important a duty to leave my kid with someone else most of the week. I'm not necessarily judging here, since I know a lot of women do this, but it didn't feel right for me. I felt that God gave me that child, and I needed to risk unemployment for a time to fulfill my new role as his mom.

Anyway.

I am working part-time, as I said before, and will be on long-term maternity leave starting April 26. This gives me about 3 weeks or so to focus solely on the new baby coming...although not really, since I still have my other baby who is not really a baby anymore, and I can't believe how amazing he is. And how much work he can be. Correction, work he is.

I cannot just "veg out" and read a book or nap or go to the beach when I am feeling particularly large and uncomfortable, nor will I be able to always nap when the baby naps this time around. I have an adorable son who wants lunch and dinner and playtimes at regular intervals and who will need his mommy more than ever while he tries to adjust to this new scenario.

No wonder parents are so tired all the time. I was exhausted for Jeremiah's whole first year, and have only in the last year or so started to feel like a normal person again. And now, we are introducing a new little life with more needs and quirks into this "new normal?" Except, I have to make this little life fit into our lives a bit more than I did with Jeremiah...for Jeremiah's sake. I can't completely turn his world upside down. So, we will have regular mealtimes and other routines he's come to expect. I know he will adjust, I just expect to be a complete zombie for about half a year while I accept the fact that I have 2 small needy, yet wonderful, children.

I will have TWO kids. I think that makes you a bona fide parent. Wasn't it Bill Cosby who said that parents of only one child aren't really parents? Whatever it was, it was pretty funny - his point being that the parenting style for multiple children is completely alien to parenting one.

Which brings me to something else I've been pondering: Parenting different children. I know some families that I've grown up around that tried to parent all children the same, and others that varied their parenting based on the individual child. Neither style is perfect, but I think I would lean (at this point) toward parenting individuals rather than parenting as a black-and-white strict line.

I don't even know if that makes sense. Let me say it a different way: I want my children to know, without question, that my husband and I love them without rhyme or reason, just the way they are, and nothing can or will change that, ever. But, as each child is different, correcting mistakes and sin in their lives is going to look different for each of them. They will have their own ways of cognitive processing, emotional responses, manifestations of sin nature, and ways of giving and receiving love. I want to do my best to parent the child, not have the child feel like a cog in the wheel of my parenting style. Of course there will still be rules and consequences for not following the rules, but I want them to know that I am trying to hear and see why rules have been broken so as to parent the heart of the child and not slap the hand blindly in response to them questioning authority.

This post has gone way off of where I intended, but is good for me to get down. I have gotten through one of two school concerts I need to do before maternity leave. I am done with the professional choir I'm in for the short-term, so I can have this baby. I feel bad leaving them in a bit of an alto lurch, but the next gig is about a week and a half from my due date of May 13, so I decided to skip out on that one. And, I am finally washing baby clothes and the summer maternity dresses my mom made for me last time, because the sun has started to bravely take over these dreary days. I want warmth!!

Jeremiah and I took a walk today - put him in the stroller even though he's way too big for it at this point....but it's nice to be able to walk at my (slooooow) pace without worrying about his running off. He tolerated it happily for most of the walk, then wanted to get out and push the stroller for me, which aside from a being a bit of a skitzophrenic steer-er, he did alright. :) and it wore him out for bedtime.

He's so cute lately, I don't know how I'm going to let go of him being my baby. I have no doubt that I'll have enough love for the two of them, but I don't want him to feel put aside for a moment, though I can't control how he feels when this new little one arrives. He loves babies, so I know it will all eventually be fine - even great!- but I am worried he will feel a bit replaced, if only with me, since he has a big attachment to me at times. I wish I could understand how his brain and emotions work more. He is lightyears ahead of where he was this past summer, but I wish I could help him express himself more. It will come in due time.

Maybe this baby will jumpstart some new expressions. :) Pray for us. ;)

Church gigs

2011-03-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

Almost every church I have sang in is...interesting to sing in. Churches, like schools, appreciate music when it's done well, but often lack the means or understanding of it to make it happen well on a regular basis. Sometimes they stumble upon someone who knows what they're doing (as a singer, as a pianist, as a solo instrumentalist, etc)and they gratefully hand off the musical reins to that person, with no concern for how big an undertaking it might be to form a music ministry or how much experience that person might have administratively or musically.

(I'm mostly talking about small town churches...not the mega-churches that are down south or out in the midwest - they are a completely different story. Here in New England, there is no dearth of churches with populations of 100 or less on any given Sunday.)

It's also interesting because of the "audience." The congregation is often as uneducated in fine arts as the general public (parents and teachers) at a school. Many churches have gone the route of praise bands and community choruses...which - don't get me wrong - if done well, I really enjoy and find truly worshipful at times. I believe that can be just as frangrant an offering to God as other types of music. Some other churches believe that only hymns and songs from the Gaither time are worthy for God's ears. When churches are made up of people used to one type of music or the other, there tends to be a very suspicious attitude toward any other style...("that's the devil's influence") which I find at times amusing, at times intensely annoying and narrow-minded.

For example, Jon and I just left a church that was very traditional musically - all hymns, no 'crazy' instruments or praise choruses sung there. But, not all were opposed to it, they just weren't used to it. In fact, a year or so before we left, the pastor and I had been working on getting more a praise chorus worship team going.

Problem was, the only people with any sort of musical ability were my husband and I. We were also the only people there on a regular basis that didn't have gray hair. Besides Jeremiah.

So now, we are in a church that has a thriving praise team, who are very good...I very much enjoy listening to them and worshipping with them. The music director heard Jon and I singing one sunday (we sat near her at the organ) and now has me singing special music from time to time - which I think is great as it gives me more opportunities to perform. I do mostly classical music, since that's my training and she made the comment to me that she would love to have classical music every week, while making some sort of inference that the people at this church "need it."

What? Why would they "need" classical music? I got along quite well without it for most of my life...now I really appreciate it, but it is quite hard to do well, and that's the only way I like to listen to it. It doesn't seem to make sense to me that people unaccustomed to hearing classical music "need" to appreciate it, when there are many valid types of music out there...if done well.

What do you think? I am obviously not down on classical music (I sing it all the time), but wonder about classical musicians' judgmental attitude toward other musics at times. The church setting is a whole 'nother issue, and this is definitely not the most cohesive blog post I've put together...but maybe some food for thought? I know many musician friends who say the music at a church greatly affects their worship time (and I am one of them)...what say you?

Blah.

2011-03-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

I am just so very tired.

Yes, I am going to complain now. I have tried to be upbeat, in real life and in blog. And, I have enjoyed a lot about the last few months, which has not been at all terrible. At least, I keep reminding myself of that.

Reminding myself that this is the pregnancy's fault. I am not normally this worn out or cranky or just...blah.

(at least...I hope I'm not. I guess I should say, I don't normally feel so blah.)

Gosh, that sounds like I'm fishing for people to tell me how wonderful I am, and uncranky...which if you feel like saying, fine. (see, I'm not even trying to be superficial right now... ) :) But, I'm really not. I'm just spewing. It's good to spew every now and then...so says my therapist.

I don't really have a therapist. at least not currently. I did at one point...never mind. We don't need to get into that. Suffice it to say, I'm hormonal and tired. Or, at least people keep reminding me of that.

And when they don't, I try to rationalize my behavior that way.

ok, so...here's the scoop of the last few months:

- I just finished the high school musical that I co-direct every year. It was a great group of kids, a fun show...and I'm very much done with it. I completely blame my pregnancy hormones for my lack of enthusiasm at times for this production, because it was well-received, enjoyable as a whole experience, and I get paid very well. But I was SO ready to be done when it was done. The drama director and the music director (me) need to have some sort of different relationship than the one this drama director and I had...she and I are too similar, I think: laid-back, trusting, non-yellers who try to treat the kids as mini-adults. In contrast, our "assistants" (who were the directors in past years) are strong-willed, aggressive, passionate yeller-types who get things movin'-and'shakin'. Don't misread me...I think it needs both types of people, I just think at least one aggresive personality needs to be up front more for the times in rehearsal when kids decide to take requests such as "stop talking backstage" and "be off book by february break" as optional. We need a yeller then. These people come in about 2 weeks before production and clean house. They scare me sometimes. I'll admit it...I do not like conflict. It made it a little nerve-wracking to not have a true "alpha male" personality in charge. I kinda had to take that role...which was strange for me.

And it "peopled" me out.

I just want to crawl into a hole with a great spy novel and eat chocolate and drink crystal lite and not come out for 4 days except to kiss my hubby and son every now and then and make sure they're ok. Oh, and pee every 20 minutes. That's been a great development.

Also singing a lot, but that doesn't need to be talked about now. Sang with Worcester Opera Works (now known as Greater Worcester Opera) and am singing at church on Sunday. I'm singing one of Jon's favorite songs "The King of Love my Shepherd Is" by Gounod. Ah, Gounod. I would sing you any day of the week. Early emo-music was what he was.

Anyway...I have a million things I want to do around the house to prepare for this baby - wash clothes, paint trim, paint walls, buy slipcovers, research more curtains and rugs, make/buy cloth diapers, convince Jon to use cloth diapers, get books to prepare Jeremiah for forth-coming baby, plant a tomato garden, try to make 2 weeks worth of meals to freeze in extra freezer, etc, etc, etc. Oh, and CLEAN EVERYTHING. I know. I'm overwhelmed reading it too. But, I am convinced it can be done...with other people to paint for me so I don't have a baby that has inhaled paint fumes. Or, whatever...they don't inhale. ("I didn't inhale!")

Sorry.

So, yeah, just blah. I will now take my blah self and eat some cereal.

Aren't you glad you read this uplifting post? Don't answer that.

Things I love.

2011-03-04T17:06:00.000-08:00

my baby kicking me every time I sit/lay down.

genuine interest from others of how I'm doing.

finding the "real" in conversations with friends.

sunny days with bright sun and shining and warmth and sun.

a working fireplace. (no, we don't have one.)

this stuff. All of it...would love to buy it and give or receive as gifts.

fantasy books - like Narnia or Harry Potter or Eragon or Spy novels (Daniel Silva is GREAT.)

peanut sauce. even though it got accidently splattered on my clothes, on on my floor, and in my hair. A certain 3-year old was mortified.

new clothes. I want to be unpregnant again so I can wear all these cute things I keep finding.

how tiny babies are...

the color lime green

the book of Ephesians

our new church

Jeremiah singing "Hosanna" with Micheal W. Smith

inspiration for bedrooms finally setting in.

freedom from fear

homemade caramel popcorn. If I haven't made this for you, it's probably because I tend to eat the whole batch by myself. And it has a stick of butter in it.

noise

2011-02-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

"Noise creates superficiality - it's the curse of our modern times." - David Schiller

I love this quote. I tell my students all the time to not make noise...but to make music. I think they're finally starting to understand my meaning. Music is not just notes on a page or playing an instrument correctly. It is embracing the aesthetic as well.

Anyway.

This can also mean to slow down and enjoy the moments that are not filled with radio/TV/movies/discussion/music/video games/etc. It's unusual and a little scary to feel such silence, but it can be good, too. It makes us face ourselves.

ramblings and many hats.

2011-02-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

Been thinking a lot about the many hats I wear, depending on the day of the week it is. Today is a mostly-mommy-and-sometime-voice-teacher day. The child is actually sleeping, the house is clean, and I feel triumphant as I blog some time away waiting for my voice student to arrive.

Today has been a wonderful day so far. I don't have anything specific to post, just trying to get some memories down. I can't help the looming feeling that life is about to drastically change...probably because I know it is! I am being pretty consistently reminded by others (and my own over-active mind) that two children is most certainly more than one...in work load, attention, devotion, money, intentionality (is that a word?), and many, many other things. I am finding that I am more and more covetous of the time I have with my first little boy - and he is just loving every minute I spend with him to learn, read, play, and such.

I have begun the nesting process...I remember this vividly when I was about this big with Jeremiah (for the record, I am about 27 weeks now - just starting the 3rd trimester). I feel an overwhelming need for floors to be swept/mopped/waxed, windows to be washed, new bed linens, fresh coats of paint everywhere, clutter to be thrown away or put into a home and lots of things to be baked. For those who know me well (like, my husband), they keep pointing out how great, although, unusual this is! I am enjoying being domestic for a while...maybe this time it will stick a bit more than last time. Especially the baking...I don't like to bake, usually, because it's messier than cooking - but the results are really worth it! (although, with a 3 year old sugar-monger and a pregnant mama who shouldn't be eating so many sweets...maybe not a good habit to get into?)

Jeremiah has been in the local public preschool for a little over a month now, and is just LOVING it. Every day, he comes home and talks about his teachers and is finally starting to talk a bit about what he's doing during his mornings there. I know I haven't blogged a lot about what's going on with him, but it's enough for the general public to know for now that he has some developmental delays that have been hampering his learning. The good thing is, with the new program he's on at this new school, he's starting to blossom. I have high hopes that by next year he will be much more independent and, hopefully, more like a normal 4 year old! He is the sweetest child, really agreeable and loving, and his therapy times have only brought that out all the more, as he finds new ways to express himself.

Last month, I also started my annual gig as the local high school's Music Director for their Spring Musical. It always sounds like such an awkward title...too many "music's"...anyway. This year, we are performing "Working," which for those who don't know it, is a cabaret-style show that celebrates the blue-collar worker in America. We have 17 seniors this year, and thought it would be a good fit for showing off many students, instead of only 2 or 3 leads. The cast is great, the music's fun, my teaching team is great, as usual. The only problem is, these wonderful snow days that we keep having. I have had to cancel 3 rehearsals so far, and am scrambling to get all these lovely seniors the time to to rehearse their songs. It's been stressful feeling like we are already a week away from vacation, and there are still some parts of songs that are not learned yet. Not to mention other, bigger ensemble songs that have been learned, then reviewed only once. (can you tell I don't trust the harmonies to stick?) There's only so much I can do, but I am definitely feeling the pressure. February vacation is supposed to be the time when the pit orchestra comes in and begins playing with us...and we won't have half our rhythm section in a show that has mostly folk, rock, and gospel songs. I keep telling myself to take it one week at a time and keep reminding students to "review, review, review" so they don't forget something once they learn it during one of our few rehearsals. These two and 1/2 months out of the year are some of the most rewarding and most stress-inducing months I have. They stretch me to new limits every time.

In the meantime, I am also getting ready for "Sopranopalooza" with W__________ Opera Works on Febuary 26. I am proud to say I have a dress to wear, shoes to match, and the music memorized and ready to go. I'm singing one half of Lakme's Flower Duet, never met the other soprano, but hopefully it will work. Also singing a pregnant woman song, "Christmas Lullaby", so that will be apropo. :) The director is excited...she said it is a "very womanly situation for a womanly concert." I just hope I can breathe. Then, it will be no more solo singing for a while so I can have a baby and focus solely on family for at least 3-4 months.

Also...looking for a long-term sub for my part-time public school music position...anyone local need some time/experience/money? My principal is letting me sniff someone out - very nice of him. Teaching has been going SO well this year...I credit my master's program that I started last summer to my feeling of success. It spurred me on to new ideas, gave me courage to believe that I can actually teach well and still be a "fun" teacher" (I know...terrible. But I have found that I have many stereotypes in my own mind that I have to break), and I am so excited by what my students understand and do on a daily basis. I am a little disappointed to be defering this summer, because of, well, having a baby, because it was so inspiring and fun to be taught to teach again.

Gotta go prepare the voice lesson. Beginning sight-reading today...she's never done it before. :)

the real artists

2011-02-03T17:02:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a lot about artistry and creativity - people who claim to be artists, or don't and are in spite of their claim; artwork that is unconventional and wouldn't be called "art" per se (like, essays or cooking or website-design); how to be a "real" artist.

I wonder if our sense of what a "real" artist is...is defined by pride.

Think about how much being recognized is part of how "good" an artist you think you are. Many people try to escape the trap of people-pleasing...trying instead to "do justice" to the art form...but humans are frail and mean and humble and feel the need for recognition, the need for significance at something.

And those of us whom God has blessed with some sort of extra-creative side to our brainworkings...I wonder if we all struggle with "art-for-art's-sake" vs. "look-at-me-and-how-much-I-contribute-to-the-art!" Or maybe it's as simple as the "can-I-be-labeled-a-good-artist-now?" insecurity every time we present our art form to public scrutiny.

I know, for me, I struggle with accepting that I can sing well/play piano well/teach music well, etc (anything to do with my musical self) if it isn't acknowledged by those who are, in my opinion, the "higher-ups" in my field. What I constantly come up against is my family, who, for all their other wonderful qualities, have little to no experience with classical music, and so have little to no barometer to measure my "success" with a certain concert/recital/solo passage. My mom reminds me all the time that God is blessing people through my singing, and it is just not significant whether or not it was, technically, perfectly executed.

Also, I think there is this belief out there that some people just "have it." And, I think, to some degree, this is true. Like I said, some people have been blessed with supernatural creativity. But, I went around for a long time thinking that I shouldn't be having to work so hard to get recognition, for, if I was truly talented, things would just get handed to me as soon as I opened my vocal folds to bless others' listening ears...right? (how pompous of me that I actually thought this at one time...but there it is)

The real deal is, the truly talented ones either fizzle out from not working at their art, or they become really amazing from working so hard at their art. Lucky is the person that learns early on that you cannot rest on your talent...hard work is the other 80%. Professional ________ (fill in the blank) work hard to be where they are at. They are famous because they don't just rest on talent and recognition for their natural ability.

For example - think of Terrell Owens...famous NFL receiver who has been bounced around from team to team because he is talented enough for any team to want him, but he slouches and doesn't work as hard as he is talented...and consequently has a bad attitude because coaches get tired of him. He thinks it's his right to catch more balls than anyone else. Now, what should have been a Hall-of-Fame receiver is wasting his prime years with a bad attitude and a team who is fed up with him. There are countless examples of super-talented people, some whom I know, and some whom I don't, who lack understanding that natural talent is not the entire means to the end.

I have been guilty of this, as I'm sure many of you out there have at times. I want to do better. I want to truly recognize that it is God who gives these talents, and He also gives the opportunities, but I have to work at them. He created us to work and give Him glory, not give ourselves glory. It's hard....I love the spotlight, especially when there's acclamation for something I just did...how do I turn it around and make it about my Lord? How do I be an artist unto Him?

I think it begins with a lot of prayer and a lot of grace, learned at the feet of Jesus. He teaches that we are to desire His Father's approval, not the approval of men. Maybe being God's artist doesn't look like much to the world...wouldn't make me famous...but, then again, Jesus wasn't much to be desired during His earthly ministry, according to the Bible. Yet, to those who took time to look and listen, He was life and fresh air and truth.

This is an honest struggle I've been having for years...and I hope I was able to convey it somewhat accurately here. How do I become the top-notch artist I so desire to be, while not letting the pride that seems necessary to that profession overtake my desire for God's kingdom? Why would I have this talent from Him if not to share it? How do I humble myself in singing, but still sing "skillfully and with a loud voice"? (Ps. 33:3)

Any of my creative types out there reading, I would love your thoughts. :)

An actual Multitude Monday

2011-01-31T10:26:00.000-08:00

Yay! I made it to another monday! (not many people say that, do they?) :)

There are many many things to be grateful for, and I forget so often, and say things in condescending tones to my husband and forget how much to be thankful for in him. I forget myself in the tired middle months of winter, where I think things that spiral to depression and hopelessness. I forget how even in death, God makes way for the new; that the darkest hour has traditionally been before the morning - that as we long for warmth and spring and sun and joyous freedom in air, that there is providence in the snow and waking from apathy in the bitter cold, and learning to trust in trying times.

I am halfway through a school day, waiting on more snow days coming mid-week, and deciding to celebrate God's provision in my life.

61. NOT having an accident this morning and being safe from harm on treacherous crazy massachusetts roadways

62. 4th graders who can read syncopation (somewhat accurately)

63. Enthusiastic students across the grade levels

64. a baby who kicks (and kicks, and kicks, and...)

65. lots of snow to provide for our financial plan!

66. A hubby who loves to plow! (good thing...)

67. busy mondays to help me appreciate the quiet thursdays

68. unexpected babysitting help

69. Sunshine patches on snow!

70. how people's attitudes toward you change when they find out you're expecting. :)

oh, today

2011-01-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

- went to Trader Joe's with Jon's gift card (Jon came too, don't worry) and got some free groceries on top of the gift card because the machine was acting funky and wouldn't take my card...too bad for them, but they didn't seem to mind too much. I don't mind at all!

- woke up (actually, went to sleep with) a HORRIBLE crick in my neck, that became a stiff neck that won't allow me to move without being in immense pain...boo. Other than that, I am in a good mood, but you would never know it by my pained expression. Poor Jeremiah keeps asking me if I am happy...he's kinda like a dog that way - if he senses someone is unhappy, he has to cheer them up and hang around until they are ok.

- Jon and Jeremiah are out shoveling, which probably means Jon is shoveling and Jeremiah is throwing snow in the air, but it's good getting him used to "doing chores", right?

- Jon and I have a grand plan for Valentine's Day, involving coupons and gift cards so we don't have to spend a fortune, but we'll have to see if it actually works out since it's contingent on a few other details as well.

- I finally started painting our bedroom! I am finally inspired...color does that for me. My friend Missy is going to help me gather more inspiration soon, once all the painting is done, so this room can actually be a place I want to hang out once the baby is born.

- We are going to be able to have a nursury after all. The young man living with us is going to be moving out next month, so we will be able to use his room as the baby room. More decorating for me!

- I started a new voice student yesterday, a freshman. She is pretty bad, with no experience beyond high school chorus...but that is a good thing since I can start from scratch. And her mom is real easy-going...gotta love that. It's exciting to be teaching privately again - it's been a couple years, but I just couldn't fit it into my schedule. And I've had a couple inquiries from other students as well...one someone that is a younger friend of mine wanting some "brush-up" lessons (she was a voice major or minor in college), so that would be fun.

- Life is good...I'm about 25 weeks along now - feeling fine, actually enjoying the pregnancy a bit this time. :) This little one delivers a mean kick, though!

multitude mondays...or thursdays.

2011-01-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

Going to do a thankful thursday instead of a monday (which I haven't been doing in some time either...good job, Jen.) :) ugh. This is starting off well....I believe I left off at 50 last time (about 5 months ago?? yikes...can I actually commit to this blog and stop being so flaky?) Anyway...it's been a kind-of good then no-good day of beautiful, sunny weather outside shining on lots of snow; sick, whiny, testy little 3 year old boy; and achey, flu-like body o' mine in the midst of it all.

By the way, we got LOTS of snow yesterday. And 2 snow days because of it. wow. I tell ya what, wow. (name that movie?)

Here goes nothin'...I need this right now.

51. the satisfaction of feeding my family on a small budget, but still getting nutrients we need in us

52. A hubby who works hard to provide

53. A little boy who is so transparent in his need to be loved, despite his pushing and pulling and whining and driving-me-craziness. God made them cute for a reason.

54. God showing me one reason for children is to show me my relationship to Him

55. This recipe of Homemade Oreos. Mmmmmmm.

56. My son who shares (is brainwashed?) my love of funk, country, and dance music. He is SO cute when he dances around the house with me.

57. Emergency funds. Dave Ramsey is a lifesaver.

58. SNOW! and more SNOW! and MORE SNOW!!!

59. God's providence in our everyday life

60. Snow crystals on the windows

ok, I feel a little better. God is good...even when things seem crappy. He doesn't always make things all fuzzy and warm, despite what we think God "taking care of us" means - and I think that's a hard lesson to learn. Not that today was really that difficult, I just think my capacity to deal with it is diminished. While God is not safe...He is good. He will not make life hunky-dory. Or, if He does, that is the plan for you for some reason. If He doesn't, then that is also the plan for you. And His plan is best.

I have a blessed life. It is not the life I imagined as a child...heck, even the life I imagined 5 years ago...but it is blessed. He is teaching me to accept His plans for me. And they are plans for hope and prosperity. Even if it's not the specific type of prosperity I imagined, it is better to be submitting to God's plan than pushing to fulfill my own.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29.11

Jeremiah's name means "the Lord exalts" or "the Lord upholds." That was one reason I was ok with naming my son this somewhat strange, old-fashioned name. Jon came up with it, and, I have to say, I was not thrilled with it at first. But, I clung to it as I tried to figure out how to be a good mother and wife in our new family situation. And it is still something that I think of often as we go through different trials and learn different lessons with parenting and our changing lives.

hm...lots of thoughts here. If you're still with me, thanks. I feel more encouraged at the end of writing than I did when I started.

Here's to a new day tomorrow.

Christmas and a new year

2011-01-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas.

Have I mentioned that before? :)

We had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends this past month, complete with loads of decorations, candy, classic movie-watching, church-going, concertizing, cookie-making, laughter, story-telling, wrapping-wrapping-wrapping, oh, and shopping. And shipping! We had about 2-3 packages arriving a day from various locations nationwide at our place.

We had about 12 people here on and around Christmas day. This included 3 children, which just made all the fantastic-ness of Christmas even better. What a wonderful gift to see holidays through childrens' eyes!

My child was a little overwhelmed, but oh so very happy to have SO many people around to talk to and snuggle with and other little ones to play with. He is still working on understanding and responding appropriately to people and friends, and I have to say that everyone was very patient with him. It is hard to always feel like I need to explain to anyone that comes in contact with him that he is not developmentally able to respond the way they expect him to...yet. There is great hope for the future that he will learn and develop quickly now that he is getting the help he needs. But, the friends we had here needed little to no explanation...they were able to accept and talk about it with me with no worries. That made a somewhat stressful month not so stressful when I was home.

On Christmas Day, we left for OKLAHOMA, as previously posted. It was actually somewhat pleasant flying with Jeremiah this time...although I can't say I genuinely enjoy flying with young children. My sister-in-law does it all the time, and she has 3 under the age of 5! I don't know if she has it in for herself or what...anyway, Jeremiah slept on both of our connecting flights, so that made things easier. That, and he was finally NOT SICK! yay!!

It was great to see my family in OK...my mom just loves seeing her grandson and is really looking forward to who she deems "Jemimah." You see, she (along with almost everyone else who voices an opinion) thinks this one is going to be a girl. We've elected not to find out, so the jury's out on this one. I thought Jemimah was a funny name for it right now though. We went out for sushi, saw a lot of amazing light displays, visited Lake Tenkiller, shopped for maternity clothes, watched new movies, played lots of video games, and spent some quality time with my folks and brother. All-in-all, a relaxing trip.

And, we come back, and Jeremiah has started his new preschool. He likes it there, and is getting used to us dropping him off every day...although he cries a bit. It's good for him, but it is strange having the house to myself for 2 mornings a week. I only do this because he needs the therapy that the school can offer him...and this school has a great reputation. We'll see where we're at by the end of the year.

New Year's resolutions?

1. Jon and I have started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University program, and are loving it. It is not easy, but it is so great to be getting our feet under us financially and being responsible. We are going to really solidify our budget, debt, and saving plans throughout this year, so we are in perfect harmony by next Christmas.

2. I am committing to pray at least 20 minutes a day. There are so many people in my life that I care about and occassionally get frustrated with, and wish I could show love to daily...and I don't pray for them. That is something that is the most important thing I can do for my friends and family. It's a little embarassing to say that I don't so this so much now, but I've just gotten out of the habit of it. I know God can do powerful things, so I'm going to be giving these people over to Him regularly again.

That's it. Nothing fancy, but very practical. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas season, and are having a great start to your new year. I think it's going to be a good one!

2010-12-27T10:50:00.000-08:00

We are in Oklahoma.

It took a while to get here. Atlanta was our layover destination, and they are apparently not ina good way...lots of "weather" of some sort of other. It's Atlanta, so I don't know what kind of weather they can't deal with, unless it's snow or ice or some other such odd calamity for that area. Anyway, our flight was changed from 4pm to 6:30pm on Christmas afternoon, and we were already at the airport, and I hadn't checked before we left and I felt pretty stupid. The Delta counter lady told us that over 1100 flights had to be re-routed over the last 3 days, so then we got the impression we should feel lucky they got us on a flight at all.

So, we ended up going to Minneapolis, then Tulsa. Our bag decided to stay in Minneapolis.

It's still not here.

It has our camcorder in it. Again, I feel kinda stupid. Hopefully no one decided to capitalize on my stupidity.

But, on the bright side, Jeremiah did really well for both flights here. He discovered how to deal with Bubblicious Watermelon gum, and only swallowed one piece. This relieved me greatly, since I don't want to water him down or give him excessive amounts of candy to suck on for the entire 1/2 hour it takes to take off and land, with ears popping. He liked being on the plane. Hopefully, he will still like it in about a week.

I sang "O Holy Night" arr. by Mark Hayes for our new church on Christmas Eve...the place was PACKED!! I don't think I've ever seen a service that they had to bring in chairs for the congregants...really neat. "O Holy Night" is always a bit of a challenge...it's like a marathon for the end of the song. I felt pretty good about it though, and they had me singing at the end as everyone was lighting their candles, which was awesome. And, I saw my former 7th grade Social Studies teacher at the service, which was really awesome. I almost felt I had to apologize for the craziness we made him endure back then...but didn't. He's a good guy.

I also, after flying all night and getting into Tulsa airport, sang another Mark Hayes arrangement, this one of 3 different versions of "Away in a Manger", at my parents' hometown church at 11:15. Descends right through my upper passagio every other line...fun times on 6 hours sleep. But, overall went well. And no more singing for a couple weeks anyway.

Only other performance news is past and future. Lyricora concerts went very well, we had a lot of good feedback, good attendance, donations, and good times. All three concerts for the 2010 Christmas season were, in my opinion, a success. Now, on to recording some of the Christmas rep, learning the Spring rep, and getting ready for lots of projects for Spring. For future, I've been asked to sing in Worcester Opera Works' "Sopranopalooza!" on February 26. It is as it sounds...and I told the director I would love to sing...pending how I feel with the growing babe inside me. She said that was fine, especially since it was a "woman's concert", pregnancy would just add to the femininity. :) haha! (now, to just make sure I can breathe...)

Well, Jeremiah has "done some business", my mom has made me lunch, I have to pee (again!), and there is more to update (like, Christmas? haven't even talked about that)...but update will be completed at another time. Love to all, Merry Christmas!

2010-12-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

Jeremiah has a second ear infection in 3 weeks. The doc says we might have to consider tubes in his ears if this keeps up. My good friend's kids have had to go through that, so I'm familiar with the procedure, and am fine with it if need be, but am really hoping that we won't have to go that route. Last night was the second night in our lives that he has been up, literally crying all night with pain. I'm hoping this won't be a pattern....he's been such a healthy kid up until the last 3 months.

Actually, at this point, I'm just hoping Jeremiah will be decongested enough and ear infection-less by the time we leave Christmas day for my parents house via plane. That would not be a fun 6 hours if his ears are popping and aching the whole time.

Christmas decorations are going up, and I have been trying something new to go along with the new place we're living in. We have the normal tree up (although it is a few feet taller...try 9 feet tall!) and garland in common rooms and pretty white lights everywhere. This year, I'm putting pretty sparkly ornaments hung by ribbon in all the windows, and it really looks neat. Not super noticable, but I like it a lot.

There has been little singing news lately - except my choir, Lyricora, is preparing for Christmas concerts this month. The music is great, the people are wonderful to work and sing with, and so far, I still fit into the dress I'm borrowing...hopefully my little bump will not really pop too much until January. I have one little solo, in the song I like the least, actually (an arrangement of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" by Stephen Paulas) - only because my voice part sits really low. The arrangement itself is neat to listen to, very thick, complex harmonies put a new spin on the classic melody.

I want to be singing more...maybe during this pregnancy time, I can get musically involved with our new church, as there are many more opportunities to sing there than in our old church. I need something to keep my voice up, as I've really been slacking off lately, and am afraid it will show. There's a pretty arrangement of "Away in a Manger" by Craig Courtney that I'm going to ask the music director if I can do at some point this season - not sure how far out they book this stuff.

I want to go caroling, I want to drink hot cider and hot cocoa, I want to watch live nativities and Christmas tree lightings, I want to decorate the entire house as nauseaum, I want to listen to Christmas music 24/7. I LOVE Christmas! It's sobering and magical and awe-inspiring and very yummy.

Jeremiah has discovered the candy inside our advent train and I think his life will never be the same. :) I hope we can start helping him understand the importance and joy of Christmas this year.

production!!

2010-11-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

So far today, I have:

- grocery shopped for the last week and a half of November, which included buying a 12 lb. turkey for $6!!
- made homemade laundr detergent for the first time...we'll see how that works
- made homemade chicken stock
- swept and mopped the floors
- fed my son and I a great lunch

Today, I still hope to accomplish:

- painting the second coat of the music room
- vacuuming the entire downstairs
- cleaning off all surfaces with clorox wipes since my son refuses to stop being sick...so the rest of us are in constant exposure to his snot
- changing my phone back to the original device
- lining all upstairs rooms' drawers and organizing (finally) our winter clothing and putting away summer stuff
- a nap? (at least 20 minutes...please oh please)

hmmm...too much? maybe some nice jazz playing through all of this will inspire me to think it's somewhat enjoyable.

God give me grace...

2010-11-09T10:58:00.000-08:00

It's parent-teacher conference week at my school, and I, as the music specialist, of course have not a soul lined up to talk to me. Which I expected, and am honestly fine with, considering I have quite a bit to clean up and figure out for my curriculum and such anyway. Extra time is always welcomed. But, you always get the random pop-in parents who deign to say hello while waiting for their main appointment with the "real" teacher. These can be nice, but usually they're more annoying. People really need to think about what they say before they say it.

For example:

(background info...there is another elementary teacher in my district that splits teaching the Kindergarten classes with me...not an ideal situation, but he is a good teacher, and that's just the way the schedule crumbled for this year. He gets them once a week, and so do I, leaving lots of room for holes in curriculum to not be covered unless we are in constant communication. We (I, by bugging my principal) are working on changing it for next year.)

A parent was waiting for the teacher across the hall from me, saw me in my room, and pops her head in, smiling. I greet her, and she cuts me off saying, "You know, my son, Stephen, in Kindergarten? He talks about music all the time...I have to say, he likes Mr. W. better though. Hahaha!"

Now. What would you say to that? I could tell you what I wanted to say...but I'm sure you could imagine all sorts of things, so I'll leave you to that. I said, "Oh? well, that's nice. I'm glad he enjoys Mr. W.'s class so much. You know, it's difficult splitting the classes, as we don't want to create competition between teachers in the students' minds. We both teach the same material, but in different ways. Hopefully next year, we can get the scheduling mix-up fixed."

I thought that was nice.

She backpedaled a bit by saying her older child, Michael, enjoys my class very much. And then left.

Thanks, lady.

I think God invented grace for people like that. Well, and for people like me as well, 'cause who can tell how often I say stupid things...but thank goodness I don't have to deal with clueless parents throughout the whole of these 3 hours I'm forced to sit here, pretending to be busy with conferences.

to believe in all the things I've yet to be...

2010-11-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

So - I played this song on the piano for Jeremiah a couple weeks ago, and told him it was called "Christmas Lullaby" (the one from Jason Robert Brown's Songs for a New World) and he has been obsessed with it ever since. Almost every day, he is asking for me to play either a recording of it, or for us to venture into the music room for me to play and sing it one...more...time. He especially likes the part where it gets "wowder!" (louder, for those who don't speak jeremiah-ese) - the "Gloria" part. Especially, because when I sing it, it has to be louder in order to be in tune. I've decided that this may end up being a theme song for the next 5 months or so, since we are pregnant with our 2nd little one. Very apropos.

PS - he is really becoming a sensitive little musician...he plays a high C during the very quiet parts, exactly how I'm playing the rest of the music. What I'm most proud of is the fact that I only had to show him which note to play once, and he remembered from them on. I think I need to start some real piano lessons with him soon.

Wotan's Farewell

2010-10-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

Recently, Jon and I saw one of our favorite baritones, Bryn Terfel, sing a program of Wagner with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. One of the most well-known Wagnerian baritone arias, I would even say one the best-known Wagnerian arias is Wotan's Farewell. It is the end of Die Walkure, the 2nd of the 4 operas in Wagner's Ring Cycle.

The premise is a heart-wrenching decision by Wotan to punish his daughter, Brunnhilde, for falling in love with a mortal. He decrees that she must live with the consequences of her actions, meaning he must put her to sleep on a rock for whatever mortal to find her and make her his wife. She begs him to protect her with a charm that will only let a true hero break through to her, and Wotan agrees.

This video picks up with him leading her off, and then calling on Loge, the God of Fire, to surround the rock with fire to protect her and allow only the bravest of men to penetrate it. Interestingly, he calls this man "one who will be freer than I, a God." Thus, he gives up his favorite daughter, she, of course, hoping it will be Siegfriend who saves her. (leading into the 3rd opera, Siegfried)

Wagner has never held great appeal for me, but after listening to this recent concert with Mr. Terfel, and learning more and more about the stories behind his music, I can't understand why it's taken me this long to get into it. It's everything I like about opera: drama, leit motifs, lush harmonies, soaring melodies, and big singing.

So, how did the performance go?

2010-10-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I haven't posted about my performance of "In the Beginning" with C_________ this past September. I guess it hasn't been in the forefront of my mind since it happened.

I felt really good about the whole performance. Except for nerves affecting the first phrase ("In the be-gggginnnning" - it was a bit wobbly), I felt confident and that I sang really well! It was a major accomplishment for me to get over my nerves, since that's been my battle from the beginning. Everyone in the group was so supportive and kind, and I got a lot of positive feedback from the director and people in the audience. I realized that this is the sort of thing that fits very well in my life right now (concertizing), since I do not have the time to devote to shows with a family at home. It just is not realistic. What is also fun, is the choir I'm with, Lyricora, gives me a lot of solo opportunities as well, so it helps me get more well known through them also (hopefully more as the group becomes more well-known over the years).

I should be able to get the recording for "In the Beginning" in a couple weeks, from what the director told me. That makes me nervous for a couple reasons...first, the afterglow of feeling so good about this performance could be totally eradicated from listening to me sing with a critical ear, and second, the choir backing me was really sub-par for this piece. They are, as I said, a wonderful group of people, but really not suited for such a difficult acapella piece. So, there are many wrong notes, many wrong chords, many wonky things going on...but, c'est la vie.

My family was out for the performance, and quite a few of my friends came too, which really touched me. I felt really supported through the whole thing. And Jon, who is pretty honest with me, thought I sounded the best I had in a while. So, very pleasing. :)

2010-09-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

I should figure out how to post pictures on this thing...I have many things that would be fun to show the three people who actually read this: how I've changed the house around that I live in, although there are no "before" pics...I still think it's fun to redecorate and move furniture to put a new spin on a room. I would take pictures of my rapidly growing "little" boy because he's so gosh darn cute...

*update* - he went to preschool today with NO crying or fussing or reservation at all! this is so great...except he will probably be switching to the public schools soon and the process will start all over again. hmph. Well, let's not hmph...let's try to see the bright side. He is extremely adaptable and resilient, as most children are. And he most likely won't remember the trauma I seem to put him through every day through denial of cookies, cakes, and other sweets, forced quiet times/naps, and preschool and sunday school ventures. I just keep breathing and praying and being....a mom, I guess.

I am on a short break in my teaching day, and am so supremely impressed with my students: we did a country type of "reel" dance that was fairly involved for their ages, and both of my classes were able to sing it, dance it, and keep the forms intact for the entire 5 minute dance...and they seemed to be really enjoying it, having fun with it exactly like it would've been danced years ago. I am so excited. Teaching this year has been so much easier and student centered than ever before.

Gotta run...I realized I forgot to prepare something for my next lesson. Have I mentioned that things are going well, but I'm really disorganized this year for some reason? ugh. :)

what happens when you talk on your cell during a concert...

2010-09-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

Or what should happen! if only I could do this with every concert...

time to update

2010-09-02T18:57:00.000-07:00

it's been a while.

I am almost always hesitant to post anything when it's been so long...like I have to "update" you about everything going on in my life. Maybe I can do that quickly, and then (maybe?) elaborate on what I am focusing on as important...hope to not bore you too long:

- BIG DEAL: moved into a new place. and not just a new place ~ a BEAUtiful, HUGE, colonial with 2 monstrous yards and storage space and marble countertop to cook on and built-in closets and-and-and...you get the picture. We are living in the house for the next year or two (possibility for longer, but we'll see) to take care of it for a family I grew up with who are moving away for a job. They ultimately want to come back here, and love the house, so they are sort of, lending it, let's say, to us for the time. And they said I can paint. (Yippee!)

- Jeremiah started preschool. Well, not officially, but unofficially. Today was the first time there without one of us with him, and his teacher said he did wonderfully. With all his developmental concerns, I have been a little worried about how this will affect him...hoping it will connect things in his brain, but prepared that it will cause him to be further behind by not "getting it." She said he responded to her questions and the other students there talking to him. I've never seen him do that. I am very excited for him this year.

- Patriots football has started. Woooo!

- Finished the first summer of my M.M.ed. and felt really good about it. I feel so excited for my year of teaching, and hoping I can pull off everything I want to pull off. But even if I can't, I will be really trying and enjoying teaching more than in past years. It's nice to have a direction again.

- The dress rehearsal and performance for the C_________ concert of Copland's "In the Beginning" and Mendelssohn's "Athalia" is on September 11!! I am so excited. The members of the group have been so encouraging and kind and it is really coming together. I am really trying to prepare well so my nerves don't undo the work I've been putting into this.

- My hubby is working part-time this year at a different mechanic's position, so he will be able to do his online seminary classes and keep working. The plus side of this is that he will be able to be with Jeremiah while I am at work, so we don't have to rely on other people this year. That is a huge relief for me, as I want him to always have one of us available at all times. The house deal makes this able to happen financially.(yay!)

- Oh, yeah...this past monday, I started school again: the 2010-2011 school year! That used to sound like so far in the future...maybe this year my room will get a smartboard. Every other room except the art and music rooms have them...hmm...time to write a grant? Or become a really squeaky wheel...It's unfortunate that the fine arts teachers often don't have the luxury of being a squeaky wheel because they could just get rid of us to make us stop...anyway, I rabbit-trailed...

also, I'm thinking of putting this blog up for the public to see, but am a bit nervous about it...that's pretty exposed. Any thoughts from those of you who read these little ditties? We'll see.

oh my goodness.

2010-08-29T09:53:00.001-07:00

thoughts while waiting for peppermint ice cream cake

2010-07-22T12:44:00.000-07:00

My singing has been going fairly well...lots of rehearsals, a few performances. I still get way too nervous for not enough reason.

New development: I tried a belting song (Jason Robert Brown's "Stars and the Moon" from Songs for a New World) last week on L________ Opera's "Broadway Night" for their Summer Concert Series. i know, I know...I can already see (and hear) some of you. But, as you can hopefully tell, I do not often sing this way. It was partly a development of the song choice and the ring (or lack thereof) of the room I was singing in - there was TONS of ambient noise from the street cars and fans everywhere to cool things off. Ah well. I heard the recording of it, and was somewhat surprised that it sounded better than I expected. But, I do NOT plan on making a habit of it. It did not feel great at times, and I really don't think it's as necessary as some Broadway proponents make it out to be. Sometimes it's fun as an effect, but I'm still figuring it out.

Also, we have finally begun rehearsing the Copland "In the Beginning" with C_______. Tuesday night was the first time I got to sing with the group and start putting it all together, and it was HARD...the choral members were way confused, and wouldn't come in at the right times...it's a difficult piece. I just kept going at times, figuring the director would let me know if something needed to change. This group is a little hard because the level of musicianship is a little below what I expected, so I'm trying to adjust my expectations while keeping a high level myself. What's really neat about C_______ is it's a collaborative ensemble, with the director facilitating these group works that challenge the ensemble members. From what I can tell, the people in this group (which is mostly young people to middle aged) are not the ones who majored in music in college...they are the ones who were in the ensembles as a hobby, or used to be the main players, but it's been years since they've really performed. The director does a fantastic job of making this fairly difficult music very accessible to them in regards to terminology and expression.

This relates really well to my philosophical music education classes that delve into why music education is the way it is in our country now - mainly because in deciding to teach music with a more aesthetic focus, the culture of music in our day-to-day lives was lost. People began to view music as something for "the gifted", not as a music of the people. A group like this gives everyone an opportunity to make music, and not with just any music, but really good music that has "stood the test of time" as one of my professors says with regularity.

I have to confess, I had been rather frustrated with this group until I saw it in this light. I hope I can contribute without being an elitist as well. It is such a great endeavor for this director to be pursuing.

One side note with C___________...when I started singing this past rehearsal, I wasn't nervous at all. It's just silly the things I am nervous for, and the things I'm not. I wish I could figure it out.

Also, I am not singing the Mozart "Laudaute Dominum" solo in choral lab class...but they do have me singing a Schubert "Kyrie" solo...which is a high tessitura and makes me much more nervous that any Copland would. Even though it's about 30 seconds long compared to 20 minutes. See what I mean?

Well, it's my 28th birthday, so I should go enjoy life. My mom is making me a peppermint ice cream cake as I type. Mmmmmmm. Life is pretty good.

it's all about - LOVE

2010-07-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

Grad school is going well...I have honestly had more fun talking with people about education than I ever have, and I am excited, and it is something that wakes me up and slows me to think and challenges and scares me at the same time, because what if I fail to do all I want next year, and what if all I learn becomes null and void by my lack of energy or lack of inspiration or defeated nature of teaching small children day after day?

It is so easy to let the doubts creep inside my head. I am insecure about my teaching, even as I ace the presentations (but my classmates are not my students, really...they already know the answers!), and learn to read and talk intelligent again (but when I leave this environment, what then?)

I love doing this, even through the doubts. I wish I could learn the grace that has been and is always given that all this doesn't matter. It really is just about how he wants my heart.

monday, monday, can't trust that day...

2010-07-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today was in two. Two halves to a hot, stuffy, at-times-air-conditioned hot day. One half was spent with husband and son, in and around the apartment, eating, talking, listening to music, singing a bit, going to new playgrounds, giving new memories. The latter half was spent on campus, talking, but mostly listening, as I was not picked, lectured at, opinioned at, and generally frustrated. As I lay here, I have a knot in my tummy that won't go away, and I feel it has something to do with pride, soemthing to do with my wanting justice, and everything to do with my lack of time spent with my Father. Typing papers and outlines and abstracts and presentations are all not so important as His time with me. I should go to the woodshed and visit with my Maker:

41. the book "You are Mine" by Max Lucado. I cannot read this book to Jeremiah without crying. How often I forget His love for me.

42. bright bright bright sunny days!

43. friends to celebrate America and eat strawberries and blueberries on cake

44. fans to spin the air and cool the passions

45. a little one who doesn't quite know what is best sometimes, but knows how to cling to those he trusts. I could learn from that.

46. enough

47. the beautiful music on A Holy Experience. Go listen and be soul-refreshed.

48. A husband who sweeps and cooks and comforts the child and me when we have no want for each other in our swells of emotion

49. knowledge of others who have gone before me

50. that God created music, and it is good. What a gift.

The Lord bless you and keep you
The Lord make his face to shine upon you
to shine upon you and be gracious unto you

a new day

2010-06-28T17:35:00.000-07:00

busy times, but very good times...I am learning so much in just 4 days of this grad program. I already feel more competent as a music teacher...I just wish I could shake this fatigue. But there is much to be thankful for...

41. my mother-in-law who comes down to babysit and do the dishes and give baths to the child and cook dinner tomorrow! Yay!

42. beautiful summer weather. Yes, it is humid, but better than cold!

43. cool water to splash around in

44. coupons for free iced coffee at DD's!

45. bright, multi-colored fans that make me smile and remember my silliness as a teenager

46. my toddler becoming a boy SO fast, changing every week, every day to something that makes me laugh in awe.

47. toilets that work

48. food to put on the table

49. memory that allows me to recall how to play the French Horn after 10 years of negligence

50. confident music teachers that show me how to be fearless and gracious in front of peers

GRAD school!

2010-06-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

Just started my Masters of Music Ed program for the summer. It's a 3 summer program, and should fit nicely into my schedule for the next couple years. I'm taking pretty basic courses right now -

- Foundations of Music Education (a course on history and philosophy of music ed, with LOTS of minutiae and details to remember)

- Non-Western Music (a course which should be labeled "World Music" so we don't sound so egotistical as to think the rest of the world's music should be defined by our location)

- Lab Ensemble (an interactive course for all years' participants, conducted by 2nd and 3rd year students - I am singing soprano for the choir, because they needed more, and playing French Horn for the band, because it's my secondary (ha!) instrument.)

So, it will be an interesting summer. I am actually excited to sing and play parts other than I am used to in Lab, but it will stretch me big time. As typical performer, I noticed that we are singing "Laudate Dominum" by Mozart as one of the choir pieces, and, as a "soprano", I'm hoping I can snag the solo. Not that it matters, but, sadly, to me, it kinda does. Anyway...

I am thinking about taking a workshop with John Feierabend...but haven't signed up yet, and should do it soon. I kinda need the credits, and who knows how much I'll be able to take on next summer, with other changes happening...

I have a lot of these... ... ... ... ...sorry.

Haven't given thanks in a while...

2010-06-21T19:20:00.000-07:00

But it doesn't mean I'm not thankful!

31. friends at choral rehearsals who let me laugh

32. sports announcers who help me understand and give me something to imitate

33. really good sports teams that make it fun to stay up late and cheer

34. children who share their love through gifts, cards, hugs, and conversation

35. the end of a good schoolyear filled with much learning

36. sunny days chasing the clouds away

37. cathartic cries with a wise hubby

38. a son who learns fast and is eager to please

39. mother-in-laws who try hard and love and come to watch the boy while we go out together with friends

40. really good spy novels late at night to give me mysterious dreams

And off I go. It's at the good part! goodnight!

Summer Doings

2010-06-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

Hello all -

It's been a few weeks, and I am trying to end the schoolyear with sanity...

(which simply means ignoring most other things until I no longer have to be with cranky teachers and students who don't believe school should be in session once the thermometer reaches 70 degrees.)

But, there are many other developments. I officially have 3 summer gigs, and here they are, in no particular order:

1. L_______ Opera Summer Concert Series, singing 2 nights...
- Broadway Melodies, and
- Rising Stars (mostly arias)

2. W________ Opera Works Summmer Concert Series, again, singing 2 nights...
- Broadway Night, which gives me 2 songs to sing and an ensemble role!
- Aria Night, again, 2 songs to sing.

3. Mezzo-soprano soloist with C________ for Copland's In the Beginning. (confirmed yesterday!!)

So, singing is progressing, and I feel pretty secure about it (at the moment). :)

Other news...Jeremiah is starting with his official Early Intervention person tomorrow...she is very sweet and an social/emotional expert, so hopefully we will start getting some answers as to what is going on in his head. AND....and, and!

HE'S HALFWAY THROUGH POTTY TRAINING SUCCESSFULLY!

I love the last one. It is so exciting, and if you haven't gone through it yet, you might not understand. But, I hope someday you too have the thrill of seeing a 2 year old pee, by himself, with no cajoling/pleading/threatening from you...\

not on the floor,

not in his pants (again!)

not on the leather chair,

but on the toilet. What a wonderful day.

a day in the life now

2010-05-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

I wake up to little boy legs climbing up the side of the bed, and a little voice quoting a favorite book, "Good morning!...said the bug." I yawn reluctant and stare at smiling eyes and dark curls and listen to happy jabberish. I must leave him again today. He doesn't seem to know, but he will. Once I put on the work outfit and brush my hair and bring out his bag, he will. And the serious son will show himself. He will not cry; he rarely does anymore. That almost makes me more sad, at times.

I drop him off with a lovely woman and her daughter from my church, who have 4'x3' salt-water aquariums in their house for my boy to stare at and love. I leave the stroller, the car seat, the diapers, the snacks, my thoughts. I drive away as he stares at me through the screen door. I miss him already, and pray I don't miss something new that he says, does, or is.

I am now at school, preparing for three classes of anxious, June-filled 4th graders. We compose, sing Memorial Day songs, prepare for leading an assembly with joyful celebration, and let off some energy with singing games. It is a happy place, this music room. It is safe. The shy are comfortable here, the rambunctious are watchful...they know the boundaries. It works here. Forty minutes each. And they are gone, I send them on their way to learn the wonders of the rest of life. I hope they love music, and not just the activity of the classes, or the personality of the teacher. I talk some with wonderful teachers, some with grouchy teachers just waiting on summer, wait for the word to order more supplies, hope that parents will understand grades come end of term.

I drive back to him, and he runs across the lawn to hug into me and holds tight and never stops smiling. He is hot and sweaty on my silk blouse and loud in my noised-out ear and I love it all. They tell me of his not eating much at all, but drinking lots of juice, his small nap because they had to go pick up the dad, his playing in the boat, and meeting the neighbor-kids. I nod appreciatively, knowing I can never repay them for the love they show us. They know this, and never make it awkward, always giving me more information than I ask, always reminding me that they love him and want to help. I drive home with my baby again, and he is quiet, listening to the wind. I take the time to warm up my voice a bit before tonight. He laughs and gets loud as I do. I try to see if he will imitate pitch...he does not. Someday, we will sing together.

I am home, and have an hour until Jon is home and I must leave. I make a quick pasta dinner with salad, in-between reading with Jeremiah his new favorite book, and quoting it while stirring sauce as I'm not actively reading. I love that he gets his memory of songs and books from me. He quotes all day long, reciting whole songs and books from his little brain. Jon is home, I quickly change into non-mom attire and put lotion on my legs, and bring a makeup bag for the car, and kiss him goodbye.

The audition is 45 minutes away (with no traffic) with a small opera company and I sing confident. It feels good to emote and not worry about what they think I'm saying, because I know what I'm saying. Technique is solid, breath is full, and emotions are, for now, steady and sailing forth in all artistry. They ask me to sing in their summer concert series, and we are all pleased. Success over nerves, and success in showing myself well. I will sing this summer. It goes on.

At home, the son is still not asleep, though it is close to 8:30. He has been doing this lately, and though Jon is tired of trying, I am glad to see him one more time before nightfall. I go into the dark to cuddle him and sing a song, and tell him what mommy just did. He claps and says his prayer, and we hug and he lays heavy on his Thomas pillow with a "nigh-night, mommy." I smile and goodnight as well.

Jon and I watch a playoff game, or a movie, or nothing as we catch up on life. It is not the same as when we met in college...then was all time and energy and chances to see each other in the best light. Now, we have this time only. Later at night is not what it used to be - fun and frivolous and mystery and good talks. Now, it is so tired and peaceful rest, and not so intentional. It is not bad, but it is hard to get quality time together to really see each other. We are still in love, and he is wonderful, and I try to be wonderful, but it's hard when we don't have time to just be until 9pm each night. We remember - I remember - the good, and prepare for another day. Before bed, I read His Word, "For I know the plans I have for you..." from the book that is my son's namesake, and I breathe relief and remember trust. Finally, I am back where I started...on my pillow, ready for rest. It is later than I wished, but tomorrow is another day, full of promise and gusto and desire and life. Jon says, "goodnight, honey," and kisses me. I smile, and it is still and we sleep.

after God's heart.

2010-05-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

I want so much to be a complete mother. I want so much to do the things I read about others' doing - the green cleaning, the inspirational and challenging homeschooling, the guiding of children to a greater understanding of our Lord, the eating-less-with-more-meal plans, the growing and encouraging of well-rounded young lives.

It is all so overwhelming. Sometimes I want to cry with the pressure of it all to be everything I want to be to this little one and the ones to come. I am not enough.

Yes, I know I am not enough. There is a part of me that understands and accepts that and lives in God's grace that He will give me strength and motivation and clarity while being a mother. It's the times that I leave His grace and forget that perfection is unattainable this side of heaven and let fear rule my thoughts and actions and control my mouth. Those are the difficult times.

Yes, I know I will grow and learn. I know that I will need to take risks and escape my comfort zone to try some of these things that God has for me and my family. I know that I will need to lead the charge at times. And I will need to be constantly checking back in with God, growing in knowledge of Him. Most of all, I want my son to see me as a woman after God's heart. If nothing else, may He know that.

peaceable singing

2010-05-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

I am going to the C______ meeting in a couple on nights to find out if I have the Copland solo or not. I have an audition in a week with L_____ Opera for their summer concert season and fall production Hansel and Gretel. I love Hansel and Gretel...and I think I have a good chance to be in it. I hope I hope I hope. The production is paid as well. PAID! What would it be like to be paid to sing in a show...

I am not really nervous about this audition. There have been bigger things afoot here in the C_____ household. My son is starting a program to help him with his speech and social delays, and I am fearful. And I am praying. Very hard. If you know me, or even if you don't, I would covet your prayers for our little one. He is still the happy, beautiful child we've always known, but not progressing at the rate he should. We have appointments scheduled to make sure he's ok in other areas. I know God is in control, but please pray that the truth of that statement will give real peace to my heart, no matter what the tests show. The week has been moments filled with teary conversations whenever anyone wants to know what's going on. The good news is, he's getting help once, maybe twice a week and it will be great for him. I really feel that he is going to make big strides with these wonderful people who are trained to notice the little things. I just hope I can keep up.

So, all in all, hard times, but also good times. God is good and I am choosing to trust Him, even when I feel like breaking. So, what's an audition in light of that? It's just supposed to be music...beautiful music. And I will sing it that way, from inside of me to them.

giving thanks anyway.

2010-05-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

Today is a hard day, with too much to process and demons who bring unforgiving thoughts and tears that come unbidden. But, as I am reminded today, we are to give thanks in all things. So, here goes:

21. snappy school-children who think grownup but are young

22. challenging music that creates dyslexic chords

23. honest analysis of my baby

24. help around the corner

25. the dirt and dust and grime in every spot of this apartment, for all who care to find it

26. my emotional mess of a self

27. clouds

28. humidity and rain

29. a child who sleeps unawares of change

30. lessons learned in how to trust in You.

Lord, may I trust and cling ever harder to You as more of my worldly security is stripped away, leaving the soul exposed and walls torn down. That's what I want, but I forget how cold it can be to be so naked in front of so many. You know all, see all, and ARE all. Hold our family during this time of trusting. Give us clarity and true thoughts and wise decisions. Keep us together and help me love, when all I want to do is run. Thank you for this day. Amen.

2010-04-28T15:44:00.001-07:00

So...just got an email from the director of C_______. She is considering me for the solo in the Copland "In the Beginning."

(insert BIG smile here).

the other "given Dreams"...

2010-04-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

It is so easy to carefully sift the emotion I show to you here. I am finding out more and more people who read this (though I never knew it) and it is frightening. How much have I revealed without really thinking of how bare I can be in front of you? Because the truth is, I am often happier and often sadder and often lower and often a lot more _____-er than I present here in this site. I don't write of the good often enough, because, well, life is good. I don't feel the need to process as much during those times. But I don't share the bad as easily either, because I am too ashamed to admit the true issues I struggle with on a daily basis.

The name of this blog is "Given the Dream," intentionally made to help me keep track of my singing endeavors...and I have kept this in mind as I wonder about other areas of my life and how I can balance it all and find myself, find my Lord in the midst of all my desires. But, the truth is, my life is so much bigger than this dream that I have clung to for so long. I want to sing I want to sing I want to sing I have chanted for as long as I can remember...but God has given me some other dreams along the way...His dreams. He has given me a husband that I didn't always dream about or expect at the time he was presented. He has given me a son who was very unexpected and has shaken my world. He has given me a career in teaching that was not what I thought it would be...mostly because of my naivitee (sp?) in pursuing that field. He has given me my voice and singing opportunities, but these other dreams get in the way...at least according to my silly brain lately.

Singing in the Magic Flute with people who are able to pursue their stage dreams and have not much standing in their way as far as responsibilities lends me much frustration if I decide to let my heart walk that road. All these good and precious things my God has given me are hard for me to accept. I still cling to my old ways, my old dreams. How can I give it up, even if it doesn't mean giving it up, but just letting God manage it?

Who would I be, if not a singer? A wife? A mother? A teacher?

My greatest fear is having those be my identity, since I know how often I am inadequate in all these positions. Inadequacy is dehabilitating. I do not know how to give myself to these 'dreams' God has laid in my lap, because they were not a part of me from before I can remember. Now, they are important, deeply important, but I must pray every day for desire to give myself to them.

So there it is. I never wanted to be a mother, a wife, a teacher, at least not as a career. I wanted to be traveling, on stage, singing at any given moment.

God didn't want that for me, obviously. So, I am trying to trust His plan.

Please don't read too much into this: I LOVE my family. My heart battles are not about them. They are about my trust in God and denial of my selfish ambition. It's not easy, but I find that, in a strange way, there are moments of inspiration, joy, and satisfaction within the struggle to throw off the old and embrace the new.

All that to say, I am still going to be singing - but the blog will also contain my thoughts about these other God-given 'dreams'...for anyone who cares to read them.

gratitude

2010-04-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

21. vocal understanding through God's gift of listening

22. spring warmth

23. red tulips on Cape Cod

24. friends who offer music gigs that, unbeknownst to them, provide money for our bills

25. family who love

26. friends who are grateful and optimistic

27. a Father to pray to

28. a son who loves me and jumps around to see me again

29. professionals in every area

30. excellent 4th grade classes this morning.

C_______ audition

2010-04-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Auditioned for C______ (an instrumental and choral collaborative ensemble group in Boston) today. There was no pianist to accompany, and the audition suggestion was to sing something that was under 5 minutes, showed your range and, if you wanted to go for the Copland "In the Beginning" solo for the fall, sing something modern in English. Right.

So, I sang "Lullaby" from Menotti's The Consul. I think I sang well enough and with confidence. The woman in charge was talking to me a lot about the rehearsal process and when things start, and suggested since I sang something modern that I was comfortable with Copland...? This group sings (and plays) during the off-season, as in the summer months and mid-winter months. You audition to be part of the group for 1-3 years, and she told me they sing a wide variety of rep, not really doing much with bigger works so they can give more people more opportunities to perform.

I sang the low F...never done that in an audition, but it seemed ok tonight. She commented on it. Overall, don't know what she really thought...maybe she thinks I'm a good fit for the group, but not for the solo. She said there are about 30 people in the chorus, and they are hoping to be able to do the Copland a capella. I'm hoping because she questioned me about the Copland that she is liking me for it. We'll see.

I don't want to get my hopes up, and would honestly be excited to be part of this group regardless. But, my hopes are up. I will find out the status at the beginning of next week.

The best part is...I wasn't that nervous! YAY!

Magic Flute observations

2010-04-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

I have been listening and watching and then listening some more, with occassional attempts at singing in the midst of this amazing talent surrounding me. So many of the people in this opera company are so talented and so comfortable with their talent. Comfortable with the stage, the orchestra, the drama, the schedule, each other. I am not so comfortable, but am not uncomfortable either. I am just hopeful and learning and growing...at least I hope I am. There are not many mezzos in this opera, but I am learning so much from the few that are singing, and the sopranos just by their approach to the music and diction and breathing and energy and character development. A few things I've learned:

- Mozart really was a genius. I kind of knew this before, but now I know it. The way he sets the music for each character and scene is nothing short of amazing. When you consider the time he lived and composed, and what he did with what was known and it continues to be so thought-provoking and beautiful for even today...Wow. He understood how music could communicate and that it should communicate.

- These people are not scary. Some of them are more diva-ish than others, but that always exists in every profession. All of them are like me, in that, they simply want to sing, do justice to the music, and enjoy their time with others.

- The directors are incredible and motivated to help you display your best while making the production as great as it can be. They stay true to the art form while making it fresh and accessible for the audiences today.

- No one cares if you flub a note or lose technique for a moment if you know your stuff, are confident, and don't do it again. Everyone is really positive and supportive, cheering each other on. For example, the girl playing the Queen of the Night has some butt-hard arias. Everyone knows it. Every time she sings them and soars, everyone gives her big smiles and thumbs up and applauds loudly at the end. You gotta have friends to support you when you sing that stuff day in and day out.

- The directions come fast and furious for staging, and you better be ready to do it stat. Again, it's ok to mess up and ask for clarity, but this is another level of performance and you must pay attention.

- I am not as scared to audition now that I've been at it with these people for a little while now. I know a bit more what to expect, and I know that (with a few exceptions of incredibly, unbelievably that's-not-fair kind of talent) I am comparable to the singers up there, Masters degree in performance or not.

- It is do-able to balance time with family and time with singing. But it is a definite sacrifice. I am maybe the only one there that's married. Probably the only one with a kid as well. They care in the sense that that's interesting, but it's also something that doesn't matter in giving me a little leeway...in fact, I'm sure some of them consider it a good thing since they will have more opportunity than I since they don't have the responsibilities I do. But, I plod on. It's frustrating that I can't audition for another show for next month...or that I shouldn't is more like it. But, ultimately I want to spend time to connect with my family for a while again, and then do another show. Maybe 1-2 shows a year would be good with concert engagements in-between.

- I learn best by listening. For some reason, my brain understands what must be done to achieve a good sound if I can hear someone doing it. Recordings aren't quite the same, it's better if it's live. I've had a recent epiphany just from listening to these people.

That's all for now...it's really fun. Last night, we had a sitzprobe with the orchestra for the first time. Really cool. Tonight, it's the first time with props and costumes. Maybe I'll be able to post some pictures after the shows done.

Count it all joy

2010-04-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

It was a hard weekend, with allergies rising, little boy tantrums, family missing, body aching. But, it was a good weekend overall. The pastor's sermon was about "counting it all joy" in all situations...our Sunday School lesson was about that too. They were not intentionally coordinated. The Resurrection is just one example, albeit the biggest, of how something so wrong can be leading toward God's ultimate bigger, better, and beautifully glorious plan. Things that are hard to count as joy right now will be my gratitude for the week:

11. an aching body that serves me well and heals continually.

12. pollen and ragweed and floral blooms that give life and fragrance and luster after a dull winter.

13. Zyrtec. Need I say more? (what a wonderful drug)

14. students that rejoice and thrill at music games, and learn to work together as musicians

15. a healthy, happy boy-child with curly thick dark hair that feels deeply and loves his mama and dada and the outdoors and machinery, so much so that he sobs when he cannot have the things he loves.

16. that God has given us emotions to live and feel and empathize and learn.

17. healthy drinking water when I have been speaking all day

18. a chance with a new (to me) opera company tonight to participate in preparing for a production of one of Mozart's famous operas

19. family to love and be loved by.

20. slightly cool breezes and sunny weather to remind us that winter is through

hard core

2010-03-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

I have an audition scheduled for a collaborative ensemble group called C______ in the Boston area. The woman in charge of the Aria Sing I did recently recommended I audition for it. I emailed for info, and the director emailed me back to schedule an audition for me. Only then did I read the forwarded email that the Aria Sing lady had sent me:

"We need a hard core mezzo for our upcoming fall concerts...we are doing Copland's Creation and there is a Mendelssohn piece with some alto solos in there as well. Let me know if you have any suggestions!"

Um...am I a hard core mezzo? Some might say so...I say maybe if I could ever get my nerves under control. And my lower register in gear. But, I know and love the Copland Creation. I don't think there's a chance that they'll give it to me if anyone else good enough is auditioning, simply based on my inexperience. But, it will be good to audition, so I will do my best.

A wonderful man who sings baritone gave me some advice during the Aria Sing about nerves during auditions. He seemed so at ease and comfortable up on stage (and, by the way, he wasn't the best voice I had heard), so I asked him how he learned to let the nerves go. He said someone told him once to remember that no matter where or what you are singing, audition or performance, that everyone there is wanting you to do well. They want to hear you make music and hit the high note and soar. So, just allow yourself the freedom to all be on the same side and know whoever's listening is rooting for you.

Easier said than done, but good advice.

beginning to be grateful

2010-03-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

I have been over at a fellow blogger's site, and am humbled by her tenacity to Christ. She seems to embrace God in all she does, struggling to live out her faith in the day-to-day - no, minute-to-minute family life. She has a Monday theme that she does over there called "Multitude Mondays." To participate, you simply list 1000 things you are grateful for over the course of however many mondays it takes. I'd like to start. This space tends to be a venting space for me, but it would be nice to begin accepting and giving grace in all I do. So, here are my first few gratitudes:

1. layers of warm blankets on unexpectedly chilly nights

2. little boy arms covered in spaghetti pulling my face towards his for a mid-supper embrace

3. my husband's empathetic chocolate-brown eyes that always encourage me to share at the end of his tiring day

4. hope for monetary savings in the near future

5. supportive administration in my job

6. God's unending love and his grace that reveals it to me

7. that God allows us the pleasure of art and music, to glorify Him

8. long, complicated science fiction books :)

9. candles giving soft glow on serene baby faces

10. a dry, clean apartment after the floods

W.O.W.

2010-03-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

Sang in W______ Opera Works' Aria sing today. It was interesting, about what I expected, pretty casual, some good talent, some not so good. All of it you can listen and learn from. The pianist's name was Olga (OLGA!) and she was phenomenal. Loved her.

I sang "Va! laisse couler mes larmes!" from Massenet's Werther, and the Seguidilla from Bizet's Carmen - two French arias that I am very comfortable with, and thought I could really try some new audition techniques out on a fresh, non-critical audience.

The Massenet went well. I was much more nervous than I thought I would be, but I still got through it. It is such a drippy-romantic-tragic aria, and it is gorgeous. I am proud to say that I think I am finally making the connection between breath support and my low notes. Jon has been helping me connect what I feel to what it sounds like. Basically, I don't need to push so much, because (according to him) the sound is more there is I just relax and let it be there. Even through the nerves, I felt I was able to do this. And sing the pianissimos with support! yay!

The Carmen characterization went well. I got a lot of good response from the audience with that. Jon says my singing became unfocused for that piece though. I was a little more nervous for it than the first one. I always do that...once I stop singing, even to start again, I am shaking the worst. But, I am proud that I am moving more freely on stage.

All-in-all, a good day. I was asked by the director of WOW to come back and be a part of their Summer Concert Series and their spring production, Die Fleudermaus! Hopefully it will work with the Master's schedule.

i hate being....misunderstood.

2010-03-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah has a great kid's cd called "Philadelphia Chickens" on which is a track sung by Meryl Streep (yes, THAT Meryl Streep) called "Nobody understands me." This bluesy track has Meryl singing in a perfect Broadway whisper voice about how "nobody understands me...no memmily blit each day!" She continues to sing nonsense throughout the song until it is nothing but jibberish at the end.

As I have an uncanny ability to inaccurately express myself lately, I find myself singing this song, trying to remember that all is not lost. Miscommunications happen all the time to all types of people. I just wish I had more of clue sometimes about whether I'm at fault or not, and how to watch what I say to make it easier to interpret what I really mean.

"When I think of all the gloubblesnop I've tried so hard to explain..." (Meryl again)

(ugh) Sometimes I wish I didn't have to talk to anyone ever again. Except those who really know what I'm like. Who know that more than anything, I desire to make people feel comfortable and not cause issues, even if it means my stuff/living area/routine/life is disrupted. I hate when something I say is taken a completely different way than I meant. This happened a lot to me growing up, and it still stings.

"...But I guess, zooblubble that way."

gone and going...

2010-03-20T19:44:00.000-07:00

Haven't updated in a while...and don't really have time for a good one now. But, here's what's happened...

We had torrential downpours and our basement apartment flooded. thankfully, no damage to speak of, but we were displaced for almost a week. We had a lovely family to stay with, and wonderful landlords that took care of everything and then some. Jeremiah thought it was a really fun field trip. I am just thankful to be home and back to normal.

My 4th graders had a Combined Pops Concert with my district's Middle and High School singers...it went really well. I had about an 80% turnout, I think. Everyone loved it.

Chicago came and went. It ended up fine, but started really badly. I had to sing for one of the girls who was sick, while conducting. Never tried that? Not my ideal way to keep your stress level down. Add to that student techies who aren't familiar with the show, and you have opening night. It got exponentially better from there.

I played piano accompaniment for an elementary musical. It was cute, but somewhat painful, especially the "talent show" portion that was student directed. By 3rd-6th grade students. Painful. I'll let your imagination handle that one. I'm glad it's over. And glad I got paid a lot to do it.

and what's next:

Schutz's The Seven Last Words for a Maundy Thursday service. This will be good to work my lower range as orotorio is not my strong suit.

Mozart's The Magic Flute rehearsals with M_______ Opera start soon. Doesn't look like the rehearsal schedule will be that bad, and I'm excited to watch some semi-pro's in action.

I signed up to sing in W________ Opera Works Aria Sing next sunday. Not quite sure what I'm going to sing yet, but plan to have a good time and hopefully get some good feedback.

Also, have Fine Arts Night coming up for my elementary kids in April. We're not quite ready, so I'm a little nervous...we'll have to see what happens.

That's all for now.

a Sesame Street Opera

2010-02-25T13:12:00.000-08:00

I am listening and watching a recitative being sung by Big Bird. Awesome. This is followed by Marilyn Horne singing, "C is for Cookie."

What a great way to teach kids about this art form!

in charge

2010-02-17T19:24:00.000-08:00

I was completely in charge of the Chicago rehearsal today from 10-3. I was a nervous wreck beforehand, knowing that it was the first time the pit orchestra was playing with the cast, not knowing if this would end up being a great rehearsal or a horrible rehearsal. I wasn't leaving any room for mediocre with the things that needed to be accomplished.

I made a schedule. A minute-to-minute schedule that had everyone busy at all times, whether you were a chorus member, a lead role, or a pit member. It was stressful to put it together and I had to exercise vigorously to get my stomach to unknot. I had little qualms about whether the kids would respond to the schedule, just qualms about the realistic nature of it, not knowing how the first rehearsal with pit would go.

See, I knew a couple things.

First, the assistant music director, who had been getting the pit ready the last few weeks, had nothing but negativity to report. And she knows her stuff. Worrying.

Second, there were still a few songs that we had never touched on before, or had not done well lately with the cast. The traditional apathy was setting in and I was worried about my assistant director's opinion of their readiness. She has worked at the school since I was there in middle school and is a very opinionated personality.

But. All was as well as could be hoped for. The pit played pretty well. Like, not the train-wreck I was hearing they were. My assistant was flabbergasted, but pleased. The cast sang and danced really well. They still need work, but they responded really well to knowing what was expected of them - they did independent work, respected my work ethic and adopted the premise of work hard then play hard and don't get caught slacking. They did me proud.

The drama director, as I said in the previous post, is a frazzled, fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of woman. While I like the ideas she has and I'm sure she is an amazing actress...it's not a great thing for a director to be. I am often frustrated by her lack of commitment to a schedule for the rehearsal. The students get frustrated as well, not knowing what is coming next. If I am ever permanently in a position like this, I hope I can make it a priority to be organized with scheduling.

I really enjoy this 2-month job. It's one of the busiest times of my year, but I really like every moment I'm with the high school students. I know there is so much more to a high school teaching position than what I'm doing, but it's the first time I've thought I might like it better than elementary.

2010-02-15T13:20:00.000-08:00

"Alright, kids, let's start from the top."

I am running a rehearsal for "Chicago," and not only the show, but a high school version of the show. I am the music director, working with the drama teacher, dance instructor, pianist, and students.

The drama teacher who is spacey and frazzled and has too much on her plate.

The dance instructor who's marriage just fell apart and has much on her mind.

The pianist who is opinionated and hard for me to read at times.

And, the students. Ah, the students. So much I could say. They are tired (it's their vacation), unsure, uncoordinated, tough-acting, sensitive beings. I am trying to bust their butts to work hard on this music, which needs attitude and precision...when they give me apathy and routine.

I am not a leader. Not in my definition of the word. A leader doesn't let others' attitudes upset them. A leader has a vision that they know how to achieve. A leader can communicate well with others. A leader is a rock of self-assurance.

I am not that leader. Sometimes I see myself acting that way. I can be a good actor when I want to be. But I don't like myself very much when I'm that way. I have moments when I am coarse, rushed, bossy, or impatient.

And then I come back to myself and don't like who I just was. And I pendulum back to the other extreme, where I doubt my actions, my thoughts, other's observations, and wonder if I'll ever be able to just be true. Who am I supposed to be, really? I've always thought of myself as a more type-B personality:
- I don't like to cause waves
- I want people to get along
- perfectionism isn't as important as peace
However, when you're leading a group of people, there are a myriad of personalities to deal with. Not everyone will agree with you or each other on any number of decisions. Peace is not natural in this world. When people are in disagreement - this is where I need confidence to lead with grace and truth.

I don't like being the one responsible for where it all stops. Lately, that's a place I've found myself frequently. There is no one to hide behind - no one to pass things off to, or defer answers to. It's mine to call. I really don't like that. I feel inexperienced and shy about decision making. I don't trust my judgment or ability to be objective.

The drama director is a wonderful woman who likes to ski and has the joy of a daughter getting married in the spring. She is talented and spirited and I enjoy working with her. She never makes me feel the 20+ years younger than her that I am.

The dance instructor is a beautiful, Godly woman who takes the time to listen and understand and open herself up to you. I cannot fathom how she still does that given all she's been through.

The pianist is a friend of mine from college, who struggles with social awkwardness at times. I have to remember that she probably doesn't understand me as much I don't understand her. Sometimes I feel there are many people like this in my life...and maybe it's me, not them. I need to love them through God's eyes. My own often don't work well.

And the students. They can be draining, but they are usually life-giving. They are excited to be shown how to perform, to make the music and the drama that this opportunity affords them. They give me smiles, little funny comments, and they try really hard and sometimes succeed when I push them. They give me the gift of response. They let me lead them. I love them for that. I come back to the next rehearsal for that.

I don't know how to be the leader that it seems I must be in so many areas of my life. I have leaned on others for so much of my life. I know it's called growing up, but it's a little weird realizing that all these older people treat you as an adult too - not a "young adult" - no, no, that's different. That's the term that means "I-know-you're-technically-an-adult-but-you-still-act-kinda-immature-and-I-don't-trust-you-yet" Now, they trust me. Doesn't mean I get it right all the time, or even most of time. But it's good to realize that neither do they. We're all just supposed to try as best we can to do the work before us.

So. I'm the leader, I will lead. I might look foolish at times. I might screw up and have to correct myself. But, maybe if I stay true and honest, knowing when to speak and when to shut up, they'll keep following. The following is more important than the leading.

Answered prayers

2010-02-13T13:34:00.000-08:00

I submitted my application for the Masters program about a week ago, and I got an email from the director saying I have been accepted about an hour ago.

(I was told that I wouldn't know until April.)

I don't have to take the techniques of conducting class since I took it as an undergrad, saving me about $1200 dollars, and giving me the opportunity to conduct a higher caliber choir later.

I have been given an amazing gift of free childcare this summer (while I'm doing this Masters program) from a generous couple of women in my church, who simply want to spend time with Jeremiah. I started crying on the phone when they told me.

(we don't have money to pay for the amount of childcare that we will need in the upcoming months. This has stressed to me out like you wouldn't believe.)

There is a huge possibility that we could move soon to a nicer place and pay less money while helping out an old friend. This would allow for us to pay off debt faster, pay more out of pocket for schooling, and save for a place of our own someday...all of which seemed so out-of-reach lately.

My church is changing. There's not much more I can say about this now, but it's needed to happen. One thing I'm thrilled about is Jeremiah now has a Sunday School teacher, so he can actually have some "church" too.

God is good. I will try to stop developing ulcers now.

2010-02-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

I read an article the other day in Classical Singer about tone color. It was detailing research that has been done about a singer's native language affecting the specific tone color of the voice, i.e. vocal color beginning with speech. The way a language pronounces vowels will affect a person's vocal color. They give the example of many Russians recently coming onto the scene, bringing with them a different set of tone colors than are traditionally heard. They give as another example the impending influx of Chinese and other Asian singers. Mandarin has 4 conversational tones that are used which would lend itself to many exciting new tone colors to be heard. This could be tough on traditional English and European voice types.

Interesting thoughts anyway. It's on www.classicalsinger.com if you want to look it up - but you have to be a subscriber.

Change

2010-02-10T18:11:00.000-08:00

February is one of my hardest months to get through.

I know some of you out there agree with me. It's just...blah. It's routine. I know there's Valentine's Day, and that's cool, but it's not anything more than a day. It's not like you decorate the house and wait for it to happen.

Unless some of you do. Which is fine. (Maybe that's how you get through your February?)

I usually end up being somewhat depressed around this time of year and it totally has to do with the weather and lack of fresh air. It's really cold in New England for a long time. This southern-born girl does not appreciate a winter that is 4 months long. Sometimes (most times), longer. And February is right smack in the middle of that long stretch of miserableness. If it was up to me, I might have moved to warmer regions by now and just dealt with finding all new friends. My hubby doesn't go for that idea. He says winter is beautiful.

And today, there was a snowstorm. Well, a sort of snowstorm. As in, they predicted this huge snowfall and horrible commute and we got barely a dusting. Ah well. The nice thing is, the old snow looks fairly new again. And it was a change. It was nice to have something besides cold, dry, and windy. Falling snow is beautiful. Not the change I would have asked for (70 degrees and sunny, anyone?), but it is the change that was given.

So, I praise God for his willingness to bring some different into this February, even if it's a sensible different. It is the small graces that keep me alive and kicking.

Thank you, Lord, for the snow.

Flip at F

2010-02-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

The latest vocal issue I've been tackling comes with the territory: practicing. I actually love to practice, mostly because I just love to sing, so it's always happening. But the kind of practicing I need to learn to do is more in the category of "workout." I had a lesson the other day with my fabulous teacher, and she told me that the only way my voice will be able to bridge those incredibly awful passagio gaps between middle and chest is by strengthening from head voice down and chest voice up. I was relieved to hear that, since all I had ever been taught was head-voice-down-head-voice-down-don't-put-it-in-chest-it'll-sound-too-harsh.

You mean it's ok for a mezzo to use her chest voice? To mix it in, but also use it fully!?

"Of course," she replies. "As long as it isn't strained."

Fabulous. I am on a roll. So, I am to create a regimen, a vocal workout that will strengthen the notes in the breaks, but also give me a general shape up in my singing. Things like:

*5 minutes of panting in 30 second intervals
*10 minutes of the Shakespeare exercise in head voice only up and down by half steps to the metronome set at 60
*10 minutes of Shakespeare exercise in fuller voice at same tempo and pitches

etc.

I like this plan. Like all good workouts, it will be exciting for a while, and then become mundane and like work. But, I know it will be better for me to do this and then add any warm ups and repertoire. So I will work and not have a little flip at my F above middle C. :)

DONE! (almost)

2010-02-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

I am finally finished with my Master's application. :)

The hardest part by far was dealing with my incompetancy involving anything to do with technology. UGH. I had a simple task of recording myself for 15 minutes doing a lesson with some students, and transfering it onto a DVD. Simple.

Not so simple for cretens such as myself. I literally wanted to throw either myself or the computer at the wall. Jon decided to take over at that point.

He very nicely stayed up way too late last night making it all work (and was exhausted this morning). So, I brought my laptop to work today and spent my prep trying (and failing and trying again and failing again) to get the introduction-to-the-lesson video and the lesson video onto the same DVD. Finally (I have no idea how), I did it.

And I tested the DVD by playing it on a normal DVD player, and IT WORKED.

Now I just have to get a test done to make sure I don't have TB and I'm done.

(who gets TB nowadays anyway? Is this a problem in suburban America?)

fear and faith

2010-01-30T11:08:00.001-08:00

great thoughts are here.

monkey see, monkey do.

2010-01-21T06:44:00.000-08:00

my little one does whatever I want to do. Sometimes I think this is great, I can go where I want and he won't cause a fuss (most of the time), or we can hang out at the house and do chores or sing or dance or watch a little kid show (or a big kid show) or just putter around doing nothing but enjoying the day.

Right now, he is watching a show on Noggin and happily crawled next to me to snuggle and watch me type and check email and such.

While this is nice, I must also remember that the "pliable-ness" in his personality will lend itself to mine and Jon's example. If we sit around all the time, so will he. If we use our energy to get things done and be active, so will he (at least in this point in his life). This is a very mellow child, easy to get along with, not one to cause waves. I must remember to help him be active...and that means using the time I have with him to be active and get him moving and helping around the house and playing with all his toys.

This gets tough since I have less and less time at home lately. I don't want to be running around and doing the chores. I've been working all week, and want a break. I like having the TV on sometimes...yet I know it's not always good for him. I like being lazy and not doing much, but I know if he sees that every week I'm with him, he'll think that's what we're supposed to do. And he will get used to it.

I want to do the right things. God give me grace. :)

what music means to me.

2010-01-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

Photo slideshows and music just make me cry every time.

Add to that some sort of narrative or reading, and I'm done. In writing my philosophy of Music Education, I have to include a section on why music should be kept in the public schools...a good idea since so many programs are not high on the admin's profile. I don't think I'm very articulate when I describe what music means to me...but it means the world to me. A life without music is almost empty. I try to think that God would fill the void with something just as good, but I can't think what it would be. Music puts thoughts where there are none. Music gives life to nothingness. Music creates expression for things that are stuck. I think without music, I would be very much stuck inside myself with little to no outlets.

But...how do I write that in an oh-so-professional paper for my Masters program?

Hope you all have a beautiful long weekend.

hope and the dreams

2010-01-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

maybe my dreams are changing.

Oh, I still want to sing. But it doesn't seem to fit into this life a lot of times. I keep hearing our culture yelling at me to make it work, pushing me here and there, guilting me into believing that everyone who is anyone makes their career and family work together while pursuing a true passion.

The "superwoman" of today.

But I'm not so sure I should believe our culture. I'm not so sure it is my job to believe this world. I do not belong to the ruler of this world. My calling is higher.

But I am afraid. I am afraid of people's opinions. I am afraid of feeling disappointment. I am afraid, most of all, of missing it.

I believe God has plans for me. That He had plans for me already in life, and they have led me here. I do not believe I am here by accident. I am married, I have a boy-child, I work, and I sing. And I pray, and try to pray more. Usually, I am failing at any one of these things at any given time, sometimes more than one thing. But I am trying to live on grace. And trying to not believe the lies of this world.

But it's not so easy to do as it is to write about it here. I am discouraged, beaten down by the pressure. I am apprehensive of the plans that we are laying before us, my dear love and I. Are we doing this on our own? Is God with us on this? How do we know? Sometimes, I am afraid I don't truly know. That I am just on my own.

How can I learn to trust that God is still leading me? Is it just a fuzzy feeling of "good job, keep going"? Is it a friend or stranger confirming my decisions without their knowledge?

And then, am I really so prideful to think I could mess up God's plan? Is that what I'm assuming? He knows my foolishness, my fear. He scoops it up and puts it as far as China. And He tells me to look at Him and be sure of who He is. Sometimes I am afraid to do that because I am not anything.

But, one thing I do trust Him for: I know He loves me. And that is the one truth I come back to when it seems everything is a little too loose. When I'm not sure how things will work out in 5 years, in 2 years, in 6 months.

He will not leave me alone. Even though everything seems uncertain, He will not leave me or forsake me. I am His, and He is mine. He knows me. And if He knows me so well, he knows what will happen tomorrow, and the next day, and 2 years and 5 years from now. He knows it all.

And He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. (Jer 29:11, changes mine)

Oh, Lord, may I have hope. Save me from this dread of missing you.

M.M.Ed.

2009-12-30T10:01:00.000-08:00

I have to get my application in for my Masters.

This is a little overwhelming. But I think I'm just letting myself be overwhelmed...this is do-able.

Here's what I have to do:

- write a paper on my philosophy of music education and why music education is important to the public school system. (I'm actually really into this...just insecure about my writing style and trying to sound cohesive and intelligent.)

- videotape myself teaching a lesson. (this might be a little harder to pull off, but I'm going to try to enlist the help of some of my friends. Then there's the chance the taped lesson falls to pieces for any number of reasons...we'll see.)

- apply for financial grants/scholarships (doubt I'll get any, but it's worth trying)

- fill out application (I love this part. Something so thrilling about filling out a simple form. I know, I'm a dork. I love Staples too.)

- find some people who would be willing to recommend me, and see if they can write one up in a month. (That's not a lot of time for a recommendation.)

I know there are a few other things in there as well, but I have to get this done and in to the program by Feb 1. I'm not really freaking out yet, but starting to think about it. I actually really like deadlines, because it makes me get some things done, but man, is it stressful. I don't eat, I sleep less, I type more, I agonize more over every time anyone has every told me I'm not good at anything pertaining to anything I'm trying to accomplish.

Just do it. Who cares, right? What does it matter how others perceive me? I'm doing this because it is dream God has given me. I do like to teach. I do think it's important to educate young people how to be artsy and creative. And I think God has given me some tools to do it somewhat well. There's a lot to learn though. I have to find my grounding in Jesus, not in other's high and low opinions. They are just His creations too. Just like me. I guess I just need to do the work set before me.

So, on to philosophizing about music education...

one of my favorite christmas songs.

2009-12-24T05:33:00.000-08:00

tears are falling
hearts are breaking.

how we need to hear from God.

you've been promised -
...we've been waiting...!

welcome, holy child.

hope that you don't mind our manger
how I wish we would have known

but long-awaited holy stranger
make yourself at home

please, make yourself at home.

bring your peace into our violence
bid our hungry souls be filled

Word now breaking heaven's silence
welcome to our world
welcome to our world

fragile fingers sent to heal us
tender brow prepared for thorn
tiny heart whose blood will save us
unto us is born
unto us is born

so wrap our injured flesh around you
breathe our air and walk our sod
rob our sin and make us holy

perfect son of God
perfect son of God

welcome to (our) world.

holiday equality?

2009-12-21T10:11:00.000-08:00

I have had a couple of really interesting discussions with colleagues in the music education field regarding holiday celebration in the public schools. There are so many differing views on this topic - it is impossible to please everyone.

The elementary school in which I work does not have a winter concert. There is opportunity for one, and I suspect one has been done in the past, maybe about 10 years ago. I would not mind putting one on every year, if only just during the school day, having various grades sing for the remainder of the student body, concluded with a sing-a-long of some sort. It has been a touchy subject with parents for years that the schools should not be advocating the "Jesus" part of Christmas...we have to sing about Chanukah, we have to make sure we include Kwanzaa, some districts are even making sure Winter Solstice is part of the celebration. While it is difficult enough to get even one holiday's songs in during the busy 40 minutes/week I get to see the students, it is near impossible to get one song per holiday before winter break. I am starting to think it would be best to just forgo having the kids do any sort of holiday music, which would be a crime to the history of our country, and is a shame to waste that opportunity in music class to teach the kids to sing and play these songs well.

However, I have already been talked to by my principal about a parent who mentioned I was "teaching Christmas songs about Jesus" in my classroom. I understand the sensitivity, as Jesus has always caused argument among people, but I took offense because the activity being complained about was not even a song they were learning to sing. And I was not even the one talking about Jesus. Another child asked me if that was the history about the song. I replied, "yes," and moved on. This is what the parent is complaining about.

Anyway, my problem with this whole scenario is, if there is supposed to be tolerance and equality in all things in our society, then why are the songs about Jesus during the holidays off-limits? Why is it ok to sing Chanukah songs, which are all religious in their language, but not ok to sing the traditional Christmas songs of our country? A music educator friend of mine was saying that she received an email from her administration, instructing them that they (the music team) could use any music for the holiday sing-a-long, as long as Jesus wasn't mentioned. I (and she) saw this as prejudiced and hypocritical, since their district is heavy on promoting equality.

This just is really getting to me. Although this is not that big a deal, I am pretty irritated that everyone who complains that their holiday doesn't get enough "air-time" is coddled and appeased while Christians just have to suck it up and bow to many others's ignorance and blatant disrespect of our holiday. I really try to be inclusive, and am not upset by wishing people "Happy Holidays" as opposed to "Merry Christmas." I do not want to disown people I know who don't celebrate Christmas...that's just stupid.

What I do want, is for the hypocrisy to stop. This is just one example of many in the US where a wrong for one person doesn't translate into a wrong for someone else. If we are truly equal, we should be able to celebrate Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Winter, Christmas (commerically), and Christmas (religiously). Jesus is my reason for celebrating. I don't appreciate you pushing Him out. If we are being equal, let's be equal. I will acknowledge your holiday; you acknowledge mine.

As for the schools, the small vocal minority of parents in my district have made it clear in many ways that Christmas music in any form is equal to discrimination in their eyes. So, I think we should forgo any teaching of any holiday. We can't pick and choose if we can't include them all.

for the soul.

2009-12-12T20:01:00.000-08:00

I sang twice today - once paid, once unpaid. They were both worth it.

The first was a funeral for a man that I didn't know. I was asked to sing as a "fill-in" soloist...this is easier for me to do for a funeral since knowing the people involved brings emotions that are usually too hard for me to keep in check to sing well. The family had no preference of song, so I chose "It is well with my soul", the old traditional hymn. I LOVE this hymn. I had sang it before at my physics teacher's funeral when I was a freshman in college, and it was a pivotal moment in my performing career, another story for another time.

I have been thinking a lot about singing for the love of the music, the love of the poetry being sung, singing for love of singing. And today, I think I did. I mean, I know I did. That song has meaning for me in more ways than one, and I sang to my Savior today, and I sang to the people who don't know Him, pleading with them to hear the love in my song for this wonderful God, and I sang to give glory to the One who gave me my voice. And it was so much better than worrying about singing correctly.

The difference in this performance from others where I have let go like that is - I didn't let it get away from me. I was able to trust my technique was solid and focus on breath and tone and resonance when needed while simlutaneously letting the performance just...flow. I think I am starting to make some progress.

The other singing gig I had was with my choir. This was our third Christmas concert of the year, and it was a major theater in Boston. We were not the feature of the evening, but we were the pre-show. People were walking in and finding their seats while we were providing background music/entertainment until the real show began. And it was a full house. And we made them stop in the aisles and forget about their seat and listen and stare. And we made them holler and applaud and love us. And it was wonderful to sing to people who appreciate, even if they don't always understand. And it was wonderful to sing with my choir-mates, my fellow choristers, my friends.

So often, becoming recognized as a "good" singer/performer/actress/showman of any sort becomes about connections and money and extreme availability...when really, there are talented singers in many places. Some of them don't have the time or the availability or the money to constantly be out there trying to be noticed. But when they sing, people are stunned. When they act, audiences are captivated. When they are on, people pay attention. The people watching wonder why this person is "hanging around here when they could be in New York!" (I heard this comment today about our choir)

I used to want to be famous. Words like these would go to my head and make me long for big city lights and large venues to sing in. Now, I am trying to sing because I want to sing. I don't care about being recognized. Sure, it's nice - everybody likes to be noticed and appreciated. But, I don't want it to go to my head like it used to. I don't want it to be as important as it used to be. A comment from an audience member would make or break a performance for me. Not anymore. I know I will fall into that trap at times again, but I hope that I will continue to learn what music is for. It is not for money, not for filler, and not for distraction. For me, it is for the soul...

...even if nobody listens.

Love then.

2009-12-10T12:07:00.000-08:00

Here are a few inspiring words from my friend's blog (you can find the entire post here). To read about Mary Lou Churchill's passion for music and love of it was a much needed wake-up call for me-the-performer. I began singing as a teeny little girl, wailing away to Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, and anything else that my motown-loving dad would put on in the car. I would sing myself to sleep every night, just with any old song that struck my fancy. I would sing to God as a prayer, instead of speaking it. I would try for the high notes and be so excited at the thrill it would bring to hit them, and sometimes even hit them well! ;)

But somewhere along the line, I went into training as a singer. There, I was told that I had "potential" but needed to "clean the technique up a bit." I had always been told by listeners that they enjoyed the meaning I put into whatever song was being sung. But, lately, in the quest to better my singing - and present myself well at auditions - I have forgotten the first rule of performing: Love the music. If you are not performing with love, you are nothing but a clanging cymbal or a crashing gong.

"It appears that the greatest concern of the young musician seeking an orchestral position is the belief in stage-fright or nerves. Assuming proper preparation and a good attitude (I have nothing to lose, I don't have the job so I can't lose it), the manifestation of a loss of control is simply fear; fear of not doing as well as you can. There is a law of this universe which is so simple and so powerful and it literally wipes this fear out of your being, and it is this... "perfect love casts out fear." If you are actively engaged in loving your instrument, loving the music, loving the audience, loving the committee, loving your enemies, then there is simply no room for fear of any kind, and you will find yourself playing better than you expected. To love is to live, and breathe, and sing, and play. Love then." ~ Mary Lou Speaker Churchill

Feedback from Magic Flute Audition

2009-12-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

So, I finally got some feedback from the Magic Flute audition that I posted about here.

JEN CONANT

Comments from panelists:

* Could consider the possibility that soubrette soprano rep would be better than mezzo

*Not much in the way of acting – doesn’t move - needs specificity!!

*Vibrato occasionally fluttery (off breath)

*Posture could be much better

*Too harsh in chest voice

*Lots of potential, change is needed

Comments from Stage Director - General comments for everyone:

* EASE. Physically, with character, with voice. Be pleasant and fearless. Do not force anything... everything should seem to flow out of you. Many people at these auditions were "chained" to the floor. A lot of folks were singing from the waist up and seemed to be presenting as opposed to performing. Finally, be careful not to wander aimlessly.

* JOY. It should seem to "make your day" to get this chance to perform... try not to care whether it is an audition or a show. When you have fun it makes us want to watch you and listen to you.

* FOCUS. Do NOT look at the audition panel! Many folks were not in character at all... they would watch us to see what we were doing. Or wander aimlessly. Find specific focuses that make sense within your aria and relate to your character.

It's SO great to get feedback from real people in the business. I am privileged that they took the time to email this to me. It is a struggle to stay positive, especially when I have been feeling like I've been singing well for the last year or two. And, now come to find out the problems are more than I thought. But, there are good things, and I need to work with what I have and work to fix the things I don't have or are weaknesses.

some God-rambles.

2009-12-03T11:22:00.000-08:00

I have been too judgmental lately. I have been putting people in a neat little box. I have been writing actions off as "just plain cruel" or "totally selfish" or "unthinking stupidity."

But the unfortunate truth is, there are many facets to people. I should not write off the person who cut me off at the supermarket as a rude and self-focused boor...when they might have been thinking about a fight they just had at home with one of their family members and so were understandably distracted. I should not believe co-workers to be cruel based on the testimony of another co-worker who, admittedly, sees the world through grey-colored glasses.

Where is the person in me that used to look for the good in others? That girl who was disappointed more than once at those who didn't rise to my expectations, but who believed the friend/acquaintance/stranger had it in them to rise to it anyway? Who would cheer for humanity when other, more cynical friends would give others a second chance, even when they seemed like a lost cause?

Have I become that jaded? Do I see only the "there is none that are good, no not one" and not the "love your neighbor as yourself"? Who am I to call down judgment? Is it not left to God to judge? I am called to forgive. And forgive. And forgive. I am called to love God and my fellow man. I am not called to be justifiably angry when I am wrongly accused, or spitefully ignored, or even betrayed by another. Jesus had all these things happen, and he trusted that vengeance was God's. He trusted that there was a bigger plan. And he trusted that God made the creatures who hurt him. He trusted that God loved them. And he knew his place in God's plan.

I think that is an extremely hard concept for humans...dare I say, American humans...to swallow. Jesus knew his place. He accepted that there was a limit to what he was supposed to do. God wanted him to die on that cross to save you and I and all who would come to Him. Jesus certainly, as a human, didn't want to go through with it. He even prayed to ask that it wouldn't have to happen. But, God, in His wisdom and compassion and grace for you and I, said no to His son, and Jesus knew his place.

Do I know my place? I am constantly fed through the media and culture I live in that no one has to have a "place" anymore...we have all broken through the barriers of race, of culture, of authority, of age. But, with that has come broken relationship, egotistical minds, and unknown boundaries. Some barriers are certainly good to break through - like racial barriers. It's appalling to think it took us this long to treat all men equal, despite how they look. And we still have some ways to go. But others, like the barrier of age...there is little to no respect for age anymore. These people may be out of touch with technology (some of them), but they are a wealth of information about life and how best to live it. But young people are taught from very young that an aging person is a decrepit person who has nothing to offer because youth is everything. Unfortunately, we all get old, so this is an unwise direction for society to look.

God desires that we submit our wills to Him. It is not easy, quick, or pleasant, as so many things in society strive to be. But it is our place as Christ followers to submit. It is anti-American. It is ludicrous to try to explain to someone. But it is God's desire. And I have found it can be a daily activity, even hourly activity to submit. But it's better than the alternative of trying to live my own way. I've tried that. I ended up crying myself to sleep every night, wondering what was wrong with my life. I needed God to be in control, because I sure couldn't be. I screwed stuff up way too much.

I bet if a lot of you are still before God, you will hear that need echoing around in you somewhere. Talk to God about it.

a little too much...

2009-11-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

Today: shopping to use up my awesome free coupons, cleaning the church, cleaning a house, babysitting, meeting with S., ...and I just realized that this will all be in the rain.

Tomorrow: clean the stinking house and get as ready as possible for our trip to OK.

Sunday: church, travel to Gillette for amazing Patriots game! Get back late-ish.

Monday: work, pick up kids, babysit, make dinner, lyricora rehearsal.

Tuesday: work, pick up kids, make dinner, meet J. for tea and bonding, pack!

Wednesday: work 1/2 day, try to get out a little early to get home for last minute packing, leave for airport around 1:30-2. Go to OK with a 2-year-old who hopefully won't melt down on the plane during bedtime! :)

How does everything just get so crazy for the holiday times?